Forever

I'm probably the worst blogger ever. Haha! I feel like I haven't had time for anything lately! So I'll squeeze in a few words as I eat my lunch today! :) well this pregnancy has been way better than my last one! I've still have sick days but they are becoming further apart which has been so helpful! Along with the zofran! Life is good!

Spencer is still cute as ever but has the personality of a three year old. Tantrums galor, screaming at the top of his lungs just because its fun, and many more things. Problem is? This boy refuses to talk! I'm not worried about his development because he is doing everything else amazingly! He still is able to communicate just wont use his words to do so! Ha except for dog. He says that word 836 times a day it feels like! Haha talking or not I love him just the same! I love how sweet he is when he comes and watches a movie curled up next to me! He may not have been a cuddly baby but he's made up for it with how he is now. Me and Derek both love it. :)

Our other exciting news about baby #2! It's a girl! We were pretty sure that it was before the ultrasound and boy were we right! There she was in all er glory! The little stinker wouldn't hold still for anything! Ha it was cute! I'm so so thankful to my dr for letting us do it a week early! It was a fun surprise for our families to show them the DVD of baby girl! Now the fun begins with trying to pick a name, and helping organize baby shower and resisting the temptation to buy all things girl. Man I am stoked!!! If this one doesnt look like me. I've decided I'm going to accept the fact that all of our children will look like Derek. Which is fine with me. :) I think he's pretty handsome! ;) I'm just so excited!

At the dr yesterday first of all, I gained 4 pounds! You all can laugh at me now but with how much I weighed from being sick, this is a HUGE accomplishment! I have never in my life gained 4 pounds in one month. Felt pretty good. ;) on my way to being a normal weight instead of lighter than most jr high kids! Lol and second of all, my dr said we can expect to meet her a couple weeks early if we choose by getting membranes stripped again if we choose! It's very tempting seeing as I don't really want to be in the hospital on Easter weekend. :) we are going to hope for somewhere around march 22! I'm happy with anytime but basically if we go by this date. I'm halfway done! Haha time to save up to buy me my hypnobabies book! Gotta prepare better this time!

Thanks for all the love and support! We are stoked and can't wait for some of the upcoming milestones!! :)

Tiny heartbeats.

You guys, today was incredible. There is something about hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time that overwhelms you. There's something else about hearing your baby's heartbeat that you thought you lost weeks before! Those little galloping horse sounds And knowing that everything will be okay! :) I'm not one to cry at appointments. I just get really giddy and happy. I seriously wish I could record that sound to listen to it over and over again.

We made it to 10.5 weeks! It has been quite the challenge so far! Morning sickness all the time basically sucks. It makes for a tired and underweight mother. But I am so grateful that I had so much help while I was on partial bed rest! I'm pretty sure spencer appreciated it too, because I am positive he is sick of tv and movies. :) I am in love with my little family. I cant wait to see our new baby in a couple months via ultrasound, but it will be magical. As for now, I am going to bask in the Zofran that my dr gave me and I can't wait to see if it helps so that I can get gaining some of the lost weight back!

I think the most credit of all goes to my husband right now though. The man works 39 hours a week, goes to school and then comes home, cooks, cleans, puts spencer to bed. The man deserves a break. I'm just trying to think of the correct way to surprise him on a tight budget. I'm so so thankful I have him and I know none of this has been easy, but he hasn't complained once. I sure love that guy.

I know everything has been about the weather on peoplez blogs lately but can I just say, the rain all day has made for an even better day! Doors open and sounds and smells of rain coming in. I can't wait till fall and winter! :)

I know...I'm Awesome!

Well lets just say I have officially been able to put writing off until the very last minute. Procrastinating again. :) Lots has happened since my last uh...Baby hungry post! ha. To start, ironically, we found out that we are pregnant! haha After trying for about 5 months we finally were able to! It has been a long journey since then! I am almost 8 weeks along and sicker than I'd like to be. This is a never ending nausea that haunts me morning, afternoon, and night time. I have absolutely no relief unless I am asleep. It is completely awesome!! But I can't complain. I mean I new this would happen and I was ready for it! (Was is the key word there) ha hopefully only one more month and things will start to go back to normal for us. I still can't believe that in about 7 months I will be a mom of two! This is crazy talk! But I also know it is what I should be doing. Nothing in the world makes me happier than my family. I'm not perfect, we as a family aren't perfect, but we are giving it our all and learning as we go on! It's all part of the adventure we are on.

Spencer's milestones for the month are:
1. Saying mom!! Yay!!
2. Learning how to open our doors. Perfect right?? There goes all privacy and thank heavens for door locks!
3. Learned how to climb onto the furniture and fall off! he does both all day long and has fun scaring me to death.
4. He learned that if he screams really loud and high, it  makes a funny noise. He learned it also makes mom freak out a little when it happens during sacrament meeting. Haha
5. He figured out how to pop the glass open on our entertainment center where all our dvds are hidden. He also learned that when he pops the cd's out of the cases it makes a loud pop. Here goes the age of dvd's getting ruined. HA

I've also recently started writing 5 things I have been most thankful for each day. To sum up the last two or three days I've written:

• 1. Spencer cut another tooth finally! 2. I haven't felt like death today. 3. I have awesome family that bring me cravings when I want it. 4. Fafsa has started coming in which means paying off some more debt! 5. The weather is amazing today!

• 1.got a new computer today! 2. Got to spend the whole day with Derek. 3. Didn't have to make dinner! (thanks Janet) 4. Had a sweet moment with spencer as I put him to bed. I love when he is giggly. 5. I am so grateful for air conditioning and the comfort that it is!!

1. Husband made it to payson safely 2. Spencer went to bed early tonight. 3. Got completely signed up for class 4. Family has been good to me today. 5. It's time for bed finally!

Hopefully this is something I can keep up because I have noticed that with being sick all the time, all I find myself doing is being negative. Well how much fun is that for everyone around me? ha Not much fun at all. I'm super excited for everything that Is coming within the year. Time to start planning and figuring out what needs to happen before the new Baby Funk gets here. :)

 

Busy Baby

Oh My Gosh. Can I just say that I am so baby hungry its not even funny. Why is it that when your youngest child starts acting toddler-ish, that you think oh, I miss having a baby. Not logical right?? Ha Instead we should be thinking wow yeah that stage was nice, but think of how much harder it will be with two. BUT NO! Here I am. Wanting that teeny snuggly baby in my arms. Wanting the experience and the joy that these little rascals bring. I have learned so much about myself and about children in the past year. I love that it doesn't take long for them to learn things and to start copying you. Scary. Time for me to change up my act a little bit. I just can't wait till the timing is right so that we can enjoy another sweet angel in our home. But in the mean time. Baby hungry--go away. There's no time for you right now!

I have been so busy, trying to keep up with my house, a little Tasmanian Devil, and all my hobbies (you know tv, books, eating: the good stuff). I've had a lot of fun trying recipes from pinterest. I can honestly say in the last month I have used 5 food recipes, I made my own laundry detergent that I love, I have cleaned our shower curtain, I have been hanging pictures on my walls like a mad woman, and  I have started a few tricks to help potty training go smoother later. The potty training thing this early was a great experience the first time, but not since! Haha I read that if you start introducing it while they are young it isn't scary later, so when Spencer starts to poop, to let him finish on the potty. Awesome right?? Well I now get to say that he pooped in the potty for the first time! Ha I'm gonna go with coincidence though. Hasn't happened in weeks since. Oh well. I love trying new things. If you guys have any fun things that you have tried lately, I'd love to hear them! :)

Family time.

I've tried writing a couple times this week and nothing I had to say seemed very interesting at the time. I've had so much going on and so many new things happening that it is jumbling up and now I don't know where to even start! Ha As you know we went on a cruise. Such a fun vacation, especially to get out of this heat! We had a blast doing things like walking around the town and going go-cart riding through the mountains in the rain. We got to eat delicious food and enjoy the comfort of people doing everything for you! Ha. All seriousness aside, we did have at least one unpleasant experience. The first day on the ship, you are meant to get settled and enjoy finding your way around the huge ship right?? So while you wait for your luggage to come its all about relaxing and getting food... Well somehow we ran out of diapers in the diaper bag...Great! So we hope and pray that we will make this one diaper last for 5 hours. yikes. 5 minutes later, what does spencer do?? Poo. Thats right he does exactly what we need him not to do. To Make matters worse he had bad diaper rash all day...so I can't just leave him sitting in it. Well we don't have any options. Either we leave him naked running around or leave him in it. Well we chose to let him roam the room commando style. No biggie. one of us stayed with him at all times. Well This only lasted so long. After spencer peeing on me twice and pooping on the floor twice, we really needed the extra packages of diapers in our luggage. We say a quick prayer hoping it will get there before dinner. Nice thought right?? Well to no luck two hours later, the ship alarm starts going off. There was a voice over the intercom, practice emergency where we all needed to go to our emergancy station to know where to go in case we are sinking or anything. Super important. Well what the heck are we supposed to do with this naked baby??? can't take him in a towel, because I don't want to deal with the after affects of that...So my mom mode kicks in and I start coming up with ideas....What would you do?? haha I reach in the diaper bag for the extra onesie I packed for him in case. I'm looking for anything and everything and as soon as I go through the whole bag it hits me.......I have one sanitary napkin  (an always pad)...That is correct I had one stinking option and i had to make it work. So i put that on the inside of his onesie and hope it works and we rush off to our muster station.  Crazy thing is, it worked for the 30 minutes we needed it. *Patting myself on the back now* haha and by the time we got back to our room, there was that GLORIOUS bag that we needed. Never in my life have I been more grateful for diapers and NEVER again will I not pack enough. I love lessons that I learn thigns from...Just wish I could have done a few things a little differently. :) Now that that is out of the way I should probab;y make not that it was so nice being there with my whole family. I'm so grateful for my parents for making it possible! Super fun family vacation. And I mean who doesn't love a vacation with good stories in it?? :)

Now on to the rest of my week. We just got back from a camping trip with my in laws and let me tell you, I love camping! I love being outside. But camping with a toddler is hard. Haha it was a nice break from the heat though. So thankful for summer and all the adventures it has brought us this year! So many memories we have been able to make and I can't wait to make so many more! :)

I had an amazing moment yesterday. You know how growing up all you try to do is to make your parents proud. I never ever wanted to disappoint them. I constantly felt like I did something wrong. But then yesterday happened. My daddy texted me the most sweetest text about how proud of me he is. I was shocked because he doesn normally express things like this and had such a good moment knowing that all my hard work and how far I have come was noticed. Mission accomplished!! I love sweet moments like this!

Wow it has been a while right? Talk about a busy couple of weeks. We have been a family of celebrations this month! First Spencer's big day, then we left for the cruise and were able to celebrate our TWO year anniversary. I know right? Two years!! 

I feel like I owe so much to the man who gives up everything for me. I seriously couldn't have chosen a better man to be with for the eternities. Never in my dreams would I think i would end up with someone like him. Top ten reasons why i love him:

10. He tries his best to do what is right. He helps us to remember to read our scriptures each night. He is willing to use his priesthood whenever it is needed. He has a strong testimony that he doesn't hesitate to share when people present an interest about. 

9. He is still cheesy and corny. He makes jokes to be silly and I appreciate that he hasn't changed his sense of humor. Even though sometimes I am not in the mood to hear the jokes sometimes, I'm still grateful for them. After all its one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place. 

8.He absolutely doesn't care what people think. If he believes in something, he does it because he wants to. Derek doesn't care about looking silly or that people will think he is weird. He is confident. 

7. He has so much music talent. Whether it be from beat boxing, to playing the piano, to singing, to playing guitar hero, this guy does it all. And if he doesn't know how he has the interest to learn. I love when he does things like singing karaoke on the cruise or sits and writes his own songs when he is frustrated with things, My man has talent and loves to share it. 

6. He is teaching me how to communicate. I have never been good about sharing opinions or taking things through when i don't agree. Being married to him I feel so much more comfortable with coming and talking to him about things. It is fun to know that I can trust him and that he cares what I think about things. 

5. He is seriously the greatest dad for Spencer. He is goofy, he helps discipline, and he wants what is best for his little boy. Being a new parent is hard work and I have loved seeing just how much he has grown over the past year. Its not an easy transition, but I honestly don't know anyone else who has handled it so well. 

4. Derek is the hardest worker. He has taken on the motto, don't do anything half heartedly. If you work hard and do what is right, it will pay off. Sometimes the easy way out sounds so appealing, but there is a satisfaction knowing that you did all that you could do earn what you got. 

3. He cleans the house to help me out. I know that I have a hard time keeping up and sometimes things get piled up, the dishes, laundry, bathroom items (makeup, hair products, etc) and he doesn't hesitate to help me out. 

2. This man does whatever he needs to, to provide for out family. At one point in our marriage he took on 4 different jobs! He would wake up early if he needed to. He would stay out late if that meant we were taken care of. Nothing stops him from doing what needs to be done. 

~~**1. The biggest reason why I love my husband is that he cares more about me than anything else in this world. He has given up his friends for me. He has given up his life, to make me happy. Dedicated his time, to doing what I want. Why in the world would someone do that? Especially why would he do it  for an average me, someone who struggles every day to try and be what everyone needs. I honestly have the best husband in the world. I can't wait for all the anniversaries to come! We have so many adventures to come and I am so in LOVE with him. **~~

Next time I post I'll catch up on our vacation and all the fun we had! Overall we are having such a great summer! 

Another year already?!

It's been a year. A year since I went into labor with the boy who would forever change my life. I had no clue that it would take almost an entire day till I could meet him but I also definitely underestimated what was ahead. I can remember telling the doctors I just want him out! I'm ready to meet him. But was I?! Floods of emotions before we went to the hospital. Was I ready?Was it really happening? One of those "ready or not, here i come" moments. I wasn't sure what was going to happen but I knew that I was uncomfortable And that I needed to accept the fact that he was on his way into my life.

I can't believe he turns one tomorrow. Derek said that we should run into Spencer's room at 1:45 in the morning (when he was born) just to show him how it feels to be up at that time in the morning, a taste of what we had to go through. I told him he is more than welcome to do that but he would have to be the one to be up with him when spencer wouldn't go back to bed and that I would rather stay in bed. He's apparently still not over it. Haha spencer has been a miracle to us. The thing that has started roughing our edges a little. He makes us better every single day by simply being him! He tests us in ways I didn't think possible. He helps me with patience and has helped me learn to keep my cool about things that don't matter all that much. I have the privilege of being his mom and that's the best feeling out there! He's one lucky guy and he is going to make such a great big brother some day when the time comes! ( if we can get over this hitting biting stage, at least) ha but anyone that doesn't know spencer needs to. He is a blessing in so many ways.

And I know it's not his birthday quite yet, I just couldn't wait a day knowing that today is the day I found out he would come! Just a day left till we first got to set our eyes on him! A year! He has grown so much and learned so much in a year. He's the cutest little blonde hair blue eyes boy I know. Other than my adorable husband that is. :) this little guy is so friendly and goofy. He wants all the attention and wants to show off his walking, talking, waving. Etc! I love my little boy spencer with my whole heart and can't wait to celebrate his big day with him tomorrow! :) I love you spencer so so much!

My baby isn't anymore.

This week spencer started walking. Not the couple of steps. From couch to couch. Across rooms. Every day he gets better and better! I am so excited for this step but at the same time. That's my baby. My little 6 lb 3 oz. baby. My little pal who I snuggled every day for months. That little baby who tested every bit of patience that I had. Where has the time gone? In about two weeks he turns one. How is that possible?! I want my little snuggle baby back. The one that just laid there staring at me and that slept in my arms. But no. We have moved on to other things. Walking. Babbling about whatever is going on in his little brain. Playing with toys. Getting in to things. It's crazy just how much they grow and develop in a year!

I wonder why it is time goes faster as we get older. When I was a little girl I thought church was all day. Conference lasted forever! School days took eternities! But as I get older, the days became seconds and the year became days. I think it does this so that we learn to appreciate each day and the memories that we have. Because one day we know it will all be different! I'm trying really hard to be the mom who keeps her cool when she wants to rip her hair out. The kind of mom that turns mistakes and unpleasant opportunities into teaching and learning moments. I've had a lot weighing on my mind as I think about the future... How will my kids ever want to be happy if I'm not? I need to find the happiness that I once had! Not to say I'm not happy now. Things are good! I just want to be a positive person. One that can only see the good in everyone and make a difference. You know!?

Baby steps. I am so blessed and even though I have no idea what heavenly father has in mind for the rest of my family's life, I'm learning that I have to trust that he will take care of me and place me where I need to be. Especially as spencer gets older. The thought of having more kids becomes a thought again. I'm finally at a place that I feel like I could handle another kid. (I know and so the baby hungry begins) haha but I am excited for the next one. Whenever that will be. I hope I will be privileged with more children when the time comes! :)

Letter to myself

You have done so many exciting things and have had so many adventures this far in life! You have fought battles with depression, learned how to make others days better and even learned how to be a better mom. None of it has been easy and it probably won't get any easier for a while at least, but you have learned some pretty important principles that should stick. You have learned that there is a difference between feeling the spirit and when that presence is gone. You have learned that men do thing differently and it's not worth nagging because it only leads to worse arguments. Just don't even go there In the first place!

You have learned that screaming at your child doesn't make them stop anything, it just makes you frustrated and them cry even harder. It's easier to try other methods before losing your cool all the time. You learned that it is possible to be a wife that cooks and cleans a little bit and a mom that pays and goes on walks with them. It's possible to be the wonder woman that you want to be.

Recently you have recognized that it's really not that much fun to be sad all the time. There is more to life than just moping. It has and will get hard at times, financially, emotionally, and physically. But just know that you can do anything you put your mind to. Your son loves you more than he can express right now. He looks up to you for example and guidance. Be the mom to him that he needs. Cherish every moment and make him feel like the most important human being out there.

Your husband is your number one. He stands by you in any decision even if it isn't the best decision. He would move mountains for you if you asked him to , so make sure that you are to him, everything that he is to you. He is goig to drive you crazy, he is going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But remember that you do that too. He is doing his best to be what you need so isn't it only fair that you treat him with respect? Communicate with him. Let him know how you feel about things without overdoing the complaining. Don't ever talk bad about something that is important to him. Support him. Love him!

Be grateful for what you have. You have been so blessed and its important not to compare yourself to others. That will get you no where. It doesn't matter how much money someone has. It doesn't matter that they have a house or way of doing things. Do what is best for your family.

You have been through a lot and with having a son who is almost a year, it can get a little overwhelming at times. Take time to slow down. Your family is the only thing that matters in the eternal perspective! You should never be too busy to help with something or to talk about a problem. Always give and never expect anything in return. Because if you think about it, none of it is yours anyways! :)

You have been raised by wonderful parents. You know what is right and now it's time to teach your kids that! You are such a good mom. You know what your son needs and care for him more than you show sometimes! Keep on being strong for him. Your future family will be so blessed for your example. Do what is right. Follow yor heart.

Love,
Alana

Live and learn

Well, it's been a little while. This past week I had Zero time to do anything I wanted, let alone sit and write all my feelings out. Ha...I've had a very humbling, stressful, emotional, hard week. I've learned a lot of lessons and even felt like I was going to burst at the seams a couple of times! This is how it goes...

This is the week that I thought I was pregnant...seven days late. you don't get more of a scare then that. Needless to say, I'm not, but for every single second of those days it was on my mind. I was trying to figure out if I was ready to be, if I wanted to be, and if I could handle it. My answer to all of those?? No. I'm not ready (as you'll read later), I don't (necessarily) want to be right now, and i found out i couldn't handle it. (not right now at least).

On top of the above stress, lets add on my favorite topic to write about. SCHOOL!! This is the week that I was reminded that school isn't easy. It's expensive and time consuming. For my computer class, we (Derek volunteered to help so I didn't rip my hair out, literally) discovered that I needed a Windows 7 computer, with Microsoft word 2010. FIrst of all, none of those two things are cheap, but we found out Miranda (Derek's sister) had both so I was able to get most of it done. Just two more assignments (out of 12, for just this class) left to do! 3 more weeks of this and i'll be done. After discussing through tears and frustration I have come to the conclusion that I can't handle it right now. I do want to finish my degree, but lets be real here, if I can't keep it together emotionally for my husband (lots of yelling from me this week, oops!), do what needs to be done around the house, and take the little bit of time for me that I need in order to keep myself healthy, then now isn't the time. I will finish. But I need to be what my family needs first.

The biggest stress for me this week. The thing that eats me up alive and makes me crazy was the ticket. Thats right. I got my first ticket this week. Nothing serious. Its just an added stress for me! haha Here's the story...I was hanging out with my friend. I left Spencer with her while I went to pick up Miranda from school. On the way to her house we were having a good conversation and I see a couple motorcycle cops sitting there so I slow down, only to look and see that even after slowing down I was still going far over the speed limit. Seeing that they are still standing there talking to each other I think i'm off the hook. Further down the road I look back to see him speeding after my with his lights. GREAT! So i pull over, the shaking starts as I try to act cool so Miranda can't see that I'm freaking out inside! He comes up and asks for license, registration, and insurance. So i dig through the stack of papers not sure what I'm really looking for. haha! Find the registration and have like 12 insurance cards that are ALL expired. so naturally i tell him all the info is correct that we pay every month and I just haven't put the new one in the truck yet. He goes to check the other info and during that time, i'm sitting there praying that I only get a warning since its the first time i've ever been pulled over! I wasn't going felony speed. so I don't think Its going to be that bad....A little while later he comes back and makes me sign the thing. Now I know that I am toast. He goes on to explain the ticket and that he has added on a fine for not having insurance but that if I take proof down to the court that I will get that waved. So I burst into tears. Haha no thats not accurate. I have passed over into hysterics. Sobbing. Can't breathe. The whole 9 yards. There goes looking good in front of my SIL! Ha then i text derek and tell him and so he calls. Thanks! You never call to talk to a woman that just got her first ticket. By now you can just assume that its not a pretty picture. You might as well have thought that my family member had died. Over dramatic?? maybe just a little. Haha so now I have to pay for being stupid and add another class to my busy schedule! Ha great story. The best part?? Everytime I thought about that ticket for the rest of the day I cried. Hahaha! Seriously it was hilarious...(now looking back on it).

SO that was the main event of this week. I lost my mind, took it out on everyone. Just overall was a walking train wreck...And then something happened... General Conference.

I was able to sit and watch. To feel guilty and have the desire to change. I got to cry. To laugh. and feel more loved from my father in heaven then ever before. I learned things I had forgotten. All the trials that I was experiencing seemed manageable. All of the circumstances from the past week were fading from my brain. Nothing mattered to me, except that I knew I needed to be better. I had thoughts flooding through my brain. I had talks that spoke to me and helped me to know that its okay. That its going to be hard in this life. That I'm not going to be perfect and that things are going to go wrong. But that if I endure it well and learn what I need to learn, then think of how much stronger I will be by the time it's all through! My world was changed by a few of those talks.

So even though this week was so hard, I don't think that conference would have had the same spirit and affect that it did, without going through all those things first. So once again. I'm left here standing, being grateful for my trials. Knowing that its okay to have bad days. It's okay to not be the best at everything. But if I do my best and give it all I got, then Christ will make up the difference.

Trying really hard

Man has this week been trying. Finances are tight, my patience is running thin, and I can't seem to do anything right. I've been stressed non-stop for probably 4 days with so much going on. Funny thing, it's not the stress i'm as worried about. It's more the fact that I have been taking everything out on my dear husband. No wonder he doesn't want to be around me right?? Who would want to be around a crazy emotional disaster!? Trust me. Half the time I can't even stand myself. ha

So this upcoming week I'm gonna do better. I'm going to try really hard to be nice ( even when i'm on a mean streak). I'm going to try to get all my school stuff done throughout the week so that I don't have that added stress. Me and derek have been playing with the idea of me not going back to school right now. I know that it isn't meant to be easy, but when the house chores don't get done, dinner doesn't get done without derek doing it, the classwork piles up, and yet I still have to make time to work occasionally, or meet the needs of other people...that doesn't leave much time for us. I haven't decided yet, but i definitely know I can't do it like this next semester. It is draining me. You know those Zombie mom's?? yeah thats me. Getting less and less sleep everyday. Shower maybe every three+ days (if i'm lucky... gross i know). I need to take care of my family before I do my school work and it seems as if my wants get pushed back to the very very very bottom of the list. Which is fine...just wears me out pretty fast. haha

I can do it though. I need to get my priorities in check. I need to get rid of the cell phone obsession. I need to get rid of the books (after I finish hunger games though). I need to find ways to be productive with spencer helping me. To do things that as a stay at home mom and wife I need to do. I need to get my life in line. It's like i've been sleeping ( metaphorical not physically) all this time...And yet everyday I wake up thinking, i'll start tomorrow. because its a challenge. A never ending challenge.

Then again, isn't that what life is? Something that some of us have to work really hard to accomplish. The problems don't always go away. Sometimes we learn to deal with them. I think it's time for me to do just that. To kick myself into action. If I can make it through this semester, then how much easier will it be when I am done and have the summer to swim and spend time with my family? I just have to make it 5 more weeks. Thats how much time is left. Then from there it is uphill. :)

Now for a funny part of this blog,

Spencer has turned into the little rebel/troublemaker. I don't know why boys are born with the sense of getting their hands on everything, but we've been working on using the word no with spencer. This kid just doesn't get it. You can spank him, slap his hand, pull him away, scream at him(well sometimes that does work), haha but no matter what he goes right back to the object you are trying to keep him from. Today in the bath tub for example. We have a drain in the bathtub that doesn't have a plug. So we shove a washcloth in the hole and it works great. Well spencer thinks that washcloth is a toy, so naturally he tries to take it out, well we explain to him that if he takes it out then bath time is over and then if he plays with it or pulls on it, then I tell/yell "no" at him. well he looks at me with those beautiful eyes of his and smiles. Yeah right mister, thats not gonna make me forget your plan. Hahaha so he tries again, same thing. Well he finally caught on and started putting his washcloth on top of it and then pulling. As if to say, "But mom! I'm not playing with that one anymore. This is mine, see?? and smiles or giggles. This kid is too smart for his own good! Needless to say eventually he did pull it all the way out, and shucks, bath time was over. I love him, but this kid is exhausting with his tricky cuteness...Good thing i'm one smart momma. :)

Falling short

Warning: this is a venting/ upset post. If you don't want to hear complaining don't read this post!!!!

Why is it that financial stresses are the most common reason for disagreements in a marriage?

Why does the stress not seem to go away either?

I look forward for the day that I don't have to worry as much about getting

groceries, or when something comes up that we can afford to deal with it.

Right now is not that time.

I am weighing heavily on the possibility of me needed to find work to do.

Honestly, that brings me to tears just to talk about it. To know that I don't get to be with my baby every second of every day.

Don't get me wrong it's a sacrifice i am willing to make, but it hurts.

I'm sick of finances. I'm sick of the stress it causes me and derek.

I just want to feel comfortable.

Right now we have so many things that are weighing on us.

1. Getting passports for our vacation in May:$300+

2. Getting all the books for my class that just started: $80

3. Paying pediatrician bills for Spencer being sick so much: $200

4. Derek getting truck fixed: $780

5. Regular bills/Debt: What seems like a million dollars

6. Finding the spare money to get groceries to feed the family

7.Having the faith to pay a portion of Derek's paycheck to tithing

8. Being able to drive to places we need to be and being able to spend $60 in gas every two weeks

I"m sure the list could go on and on. And i'm sure most of you probably are in the same circumstance so I know its not something you care/ think I should worry too much about. But I can't help it when it gets this tight at the end of the month. There isn't as much coming in as we need for these spur of the moment burdens.

My husband works harder than anyone that I know. He is doing everything he can

to provide and make sure we are taken care of.

I don't ever want to make him feel like he's not doing enough because I know that he is.

He's doing everything he can just to get through school and go to work.

That literally takes all of his time.

Which brings me back to the getting a job thing.

I feel the need to do something other than cleaning my moms house and occasionally working for my MIL.

But what?? Everyone says couponing but we seriously don't spend that much money on groceries to coupon. It takes so much more time in my day then I have with a baby and school and house responsibilities.

If anyone has any ideas, i'd sure love to hear them. Till then I have to figure out how to make it by till derek is up high enough where he feels comfortable. I think thats part of it. I know how sad it makes him when he knows we are tight. I know that he feels like he isn't doing enough. But trust me. I wouldn't ask anything more of him. He's doing exactly what I asked him to by going to school.

I might be just overwhelmed tonight which is why this is such a sad post, but we're allowed a bad day every once in a while right??

I try so hard to turn my trials into something positive. To look for the blessings.

I am grateful for everything that I do have. I am even more grateful for the help so many people have been to us. Literally I don't think that we would have made it through what we have without them.

There has gotta be a light at the end of the tunnel, so I know that by paying our tithing we will be blessed and we will make it through times like these. I feel like I need to stay strong for Derek. I feel like he deserves some positivity and the comfort in knowing that money doesn't matter. In the eternal perspective all we will have is our families.

I just wished that the world didn't demand so much from us in order to survive.

Spoiled this week

Well this week with spring break i have been spoiled!!

Not in the shopping every night spoiled, its more spoiled in the help that my husband

has been this week! Derek has only had to worry about work. I can see how much of a relief it is to him to not have to worry about school.

It almost makes me wonder if school is the right thing for him to be doing, and then i remember how important it is that he finishes and gets a degree.

Either way, I have loved every second of having him help with the house chores and Spencer. I'm going to miss seeing him during the day and having full days off!

For me, I am Dreading school...I don't want to start monday, with my second class starting and the stress that brings. I have been trying to make a list of all the things that I

need to do and start...so far it goes as followed:

1. Get passports for me and Spencer. (there goes 400 bucks)

2. Start my new computer class/get books for it

3. Finish the Buried cities and lost tribes class

4. Fold laundry (that pile is a mile high right now)

5. Bake cookies for my sister for helping with a school assignment

6. Pay bills and work on budgeting

7. Organize to start couponing

8. Grocery shopping so that we have food to eat.... my fridge looks

sad right now. Small budget=less food.

9.Do something special for the man who does everything for me.

10. Get our list together to go up to utah in a couple weeks. (can't

Wait to see my baby nephew! He better prepare himself for some smooches!!)

I am trying to not stress about any of these things, except for school and passport. those are my main two! Can't go on vacation in may without them...:)

A couple of good things about this upcoming couple of weeks??

My MOM comes home from Denver Colorado! Man have I missed her! You never realize how much you like being around someone until they leave for a week. Too long of a time. ha

Also General conference is coming soon! I can't wait. I remember when I was

younger I always loved G.C. just because we got to stay home from church (still is one of the perks) but now I just can't wait to hear what they have to say to help me. I can't wait to feel the guilt of not doing something to help push me to do it. To know that I should be better. To get that spirit back in our home. Its just going to be wonderful!

Last is Easter. I get to spend Spencer's first Easter in Utah with my nephew supporting them in blessing their sweet baby boy. I can't wait to hold him. Seriously I see pictures and my heart hurts because I haven't seen him. I am Maeson's aunt. It's kind of a big deal! :)

Lots are going on in this brain of mine. I just try to make it day to day to get through. Somedays i end with a smile, and some days I do my best just to be nice. But I have wonderful support team. I am so glad that I married such a wonderful guy. He does things for me that I don't deserve. He cleans and tries to do what he can even when he is exhausted. We have days where we snap at each other and honestly, I don't ever not love him..

We both have been trying to keep our cool and not get offended when each other says something that comes off as rude. We aren't perfect.

But we are PERFECT for each other.

I hope one day I can be the person in my head.

That perfect wife.

The person that both he and Spencer deserve.

I seriously have a wonderful life.

I've never had good luck in anything, and yet I see my family, and lets be honest. I'm the luckiest girl out there. I might not win any contests. Or have my name drawn to do something important. But I was lucky enough to get to spend the rest of the eternities with the people who mean the most to me. Thats good enough for me! :)

a glimpse of happiness

Today i have been thinking a lot about perspective.

There has to be a reason that we are going through certain things. Do you ever wonder where it is taking you, though??

There has to be a reason that things happen, but in the midst of a hard decision or trial have you ever stopped to wonder what consequent this action will have? Or do we all just sit and wallow in self pity waiting till everything smoothes out.

I know if I had the attitude from the picture to the right, I could do a lot more. I can do anything I put my mind to. I feel like in the midst of growing up a little I have lost this "can-do" attitude. If i woke up in the middle of the night with Spencer and said "I can do hard things" don't you think I would be better because of it? I'm starting what could be a terrible day and flipping it to something I know i can do.

Knowing that I have the right perspective with the right attitude i'm thinking I can go pretty far in life. :)

Now I just have to remember this when i'm exhausted and not having a good day. haha

Gonna have to find a creative way to plaster it into my brain!

Back to bed

Today is one of those days where I am dying to go back to bed. One of those nothing going your way kind of days. It's a day where we've put off grocery shopping so long that we have nothing left... No milk, no lunch stuff no snacks. So I found some oatmeal and tried cooking that for the first time. Well it was food. Nothing special. So I sit down on the couch to relax and eat while spencer slept and you'll never guess it, I knocked over an entire glass of orange juice all over the couch and me. Bummer. Now on to finish laundry, just to find a load that got left in the wash for oh only 18 hours. No big deal! Ha so after I finish that I need to make time for shopping. this means that I need to get my shopping list together so that we have food...I'll get on that.

And to add to the trouble out computer broke yesterday. The cord is dead. Fried. And at first it wasn't a big deal. I just figured I'd finish my long assignment on our old desktop computer. Then it dawned on me. You know a couple days ago when I was working on this assignment?? Yeah it's saved to that computer. This assignment that I have only one question left ( that took me an hour and a half to find and do) is sitting there helplessly on my computer. Great. Now what?? The little devil on my shoulder is telling me just not to turn in that assignment. Buy that's not going to happen. So in the midst of the things going on today, I need to find a way and motivation to finish that...I know I can do it. I just don't want to do it again. It's a major bummer.

And last of all making today so great? We got a bill from our pediatrician. Apparently we are having insurance problems too. So like I was saying last time I wrote, trying to save for a house is going to have to be pushed off a little bit. In fact we may not be able to get one for a while. So sad!

Sorry for the negativity. We went to the temple yesterday. I had the best night spending time with my family and Ashley and Shaun! It's such a different spirit being at the temple. It's wonderful. I prayed all week that Satan wouldn't make it so that we didn't go to the temple because it was something we really wanted to do. I guess this is Satans way of getting his way into my life. Gotta focus on what's important and try to remember that none of the stuff bothering me is all that important. Just part of having trials. And you know what? Remembering that makes all the Angry feelings so much easier to cope with. Well off to start my day in hopes of turning it around. Wishing for a productive day!

Positively...

...Exhausting? worthwhile? time consuming? ALL OF THE ABOVE!

I have been trying to keep up with my schoolwork the past couple of nights. I feel like all of my motivation has gone out the window. Why did I decide to do this again?? I'm doing my best but this online teacher is ridiculous! Great...another crazy lady. Why does ratemyprofessor.com always lie to me?? But seriously, and then it hits me.....

I have another class starting after spring break. Yup all motivation gone. Those two associate degrees that seemed so close last semester have gotten more distant. Maybe i'll do just one class at a time. Or pick easier classes. Frick.

Don't get me wrong. I feel super blessed that I can even go to school.

Its fun to hear all the older people say how much they would love to go back to school.

Quite frankly, all of you out there...you all say that until you get there and then BAM. Now you remember why you stopped in the first place. Ha!

Now all joking aside, i'm trying to start budgeting better. We've done pretty good so far, we've just been realizing that we have less than a year to find a place to live.

I'm not ready to be homeless just yet.

So in order for that to happen we have to be saving something.

Where we can get that money from I'm still working on but, If we can save something I know we will be so much less stressed towards the time when we have to move.

Derek and me have been discussing finances a lot lately and we have prayed about how derek really needed a raise. He felt like he was working so hard, for little to show for it. So after a night of frustration and prayers, he went into work and he got a raise. less stress there! And they said that they want to raise him again in a couple months. Answer to prayers??

I think so!

I've been trying really hard not to compare our situation to other peoples'.

It's been hard, but i have found that focussing on us helps so much better.

It is wasted energy if I'm always worrying about what everyone else is doing or where they are at. I'm proud of myself for not letting jealousy overcome me. That has been a blessing to us too.

Spring cleaning next week and I'm super excited. Got my list all ready to go. :)

Time to get back to homework. Blah.

The life of a stay at home mom.

This week has been a really trying week for me as a mom. First starting off the weekend with the flu, then passing it to Derek. And then spencer getting it. How in world do you take care of a baby who needs a diaper change ever 20 minutes, or comfort him when he's coughing so hard he pukes, or wakes up multiple times.a night: when you feel like death. I had no energy and was puking myself, and how did I deal with it?? Lots of prayers to give me the strength. Putting my son first trying to make him as comfortable as he could as his little body was suffering. I did something that I never thought I could do! I think Heavenly father blessed me and Derek that we would get better really fast to take care of him. I HATE seeing my baby like this. I can't wait till these little teeth come through so that we can re adjust his schedule! I feel so blessed for all the help and support from friends and family during that time too! They helped with spency and helped me know what I should do! It's hard being a first time mom! ( talk about over reacting to everything)

We are finally on the uphill I think! It's been a good experience for us but let's be honest, none of us would be sad if it left quickly! Ha I've been trying to start on a goal I had a while ago to read my scriptures everyday. So far I've done good! Derek has helped me a lot with remembering or reading them to me if I didn't have the energy to. He's such an amazing guy. Don't know how I got so lucky. I feel like I'm one step closer to where I want to be. Next step, get back to the temple. It's been over 8 months since we last went. I can't wait! Not only will we have the amazing feeling back in our lives, but I get to share this experience with my family and friends that are going with us. Just overall a great thing that I need to be better about doing!

The last main thing on my mind right now... Having more kids. How do I know when the right time is?? If I wait till I'm ready then I may never be ready. If I wait for a convenient time then it might not ever come. I want a sweet tiny innocent baby in my arms to snuggle and love on. I see other babies and remember how it was. And yet when I see them I feel all the regret for not enjoying it like I should have. I want to be able to do it over to be better and more patient. But when? It may be months from now or years, just something that has been pressing on my mind. When I am privileged with another one, I know I'm going to do so many things differently! Its been fun seeing my baby nephew grow up. I can't wait to meet that baby in one month! I can't believe that I have made it this long without holding or even seeing him in person. I love him. I hope he knows that! So grateful for families. Especially that mine is eternal! Best feeling ever!

Dear son.

Today I have thought a lot about you. How I want what's best for you and how to make things easier for you! As hard of a time that you give me, I love that you still take the time to smile and laugh when mommy is being silly. I love that you giggle when I am frustrated at you. Makes it so much harder to get mad at such a sweet boy. Thank you for changing my world. For teaching me what is really important in this life. Thank you for helping me learn patience the hard way and for challenging that patience every day.

What I love most about you right now is the look of Joy you get whenever daddy walks through the door. You stop everything you are doing and go straight to him with the biggest toothy grin I have ever seen! It makes all of the tears, anger, and hard work feel like just another day. It is that moment when you realize that daddy is home that I know that I can make it through another day. I want you to know that mommy and daddy love you so much. You weren't planned, but you have been the best thing ever! I can't wait till we get to go to the park, when you lose your first tooth. When you come in from playing in the rain soaking wet and freezing. I can't wait to go on many adventures with you. We can fight dragons and discover new world where aliens have taken over. It's going to be so much fun and I hope you know that I am doing my best. Some days will be easier and some days will harder. Any day just know that I love you always. Thanks for beig such a fun happy boy. Thanks for putting up with all of my moods. And last of all, thanks for picking our family to be a part of. I am so glad we all get to be together forever!!

I love you spencer. XOXo!

Love,
Mommy.

Sit and wonder

You know when you sit and wonder what your life would be like if you hadn't done the things you chose to do? Im not talking about the regretting and the disappointing times, I'm referring to the most wonderful decisions that have made you who you are.

I always heard people say that they wouldn't change their life for anything once they had kids. That they have made so many sacrifices but they wouldn't take a single one back. Up until I had Spencer, I never knew what they meant. It takes a lot of sacrifices. I've been experiencing some of the blues lately, because I have given up my whole world for a little boy who doesn't hug me or snuggle me. For one that screams at me through many parts of the day. The little angel that demands food, drinks, snacks and diaper changes without even a smile or thank you. He expects me to put him above anything else I am doing. The simple tasks of feeding myself, showering, or going to the bathroom is out of the question now. If its not in his plans, it's not going to happen. And why do I continue to do all of these things for him?? Because I know by giving him the love he needs, he'll one day return the favor. Because when he smiles at me with those big blue eyes for those brief moments in the day i know that he is grateful. Because I would give my whole world to this little monster. The way that I treat him and teach him to treat others will shape his future. I am his main example for how he will one day treat his wife and family. No pressure right?!?

As difficult as spencer is, I wouldn't change anything. I'm one of the lucky few who gets to stay home with my kid/ future kids. I don't have to share that responsibility, because my husband is taking full responsibility for that portion. That probably means I should show him how grateful I am by keeping up with the house chores huh?? Yeah. I think that is something I need to be better about. I do some but why not try to be my ideal wonder woman? Each day is a new day. A new day to be a better me!

Who am I?

This question has been pressing on me a lot this week. As I have had the chance to watch other mothers, wives, friends, I have realized that I am in a circle. I haven't made up my mind on who I want to be. I haven't made up my mind on how I want to discipline, how I want to break up my day, how I want to spend my time. I am trapped in a never ending circle of repetition. I wake up, take care of spencer, play with him, play on my phone, put him for naps, sometimes eat, play some more, watch a show or movie, and feed spencer some more. I feel like this is what my days are like everyday. Having said this. It is time for a change.

Who do I want to be? Someone who is easy to talk to. Someone who always has a positive attitude! I want to be a wife that cooks and cleans, just because she knows that she will get too spend more time with her husband if she takes the time to do it while he is away. The wife that makes dinner and has a smile on her face when the hubbs comes home. I want to be the mother who is slow to anger, who sees others as more important than herself. One that is willing to make sacrifices without making a big deal about it. especially about sleep. I want to accept that I will never get enough sleep and try my best to deal with how much I do get without being too grumpy the next day. I want to be a mom that gives hugs and kisses randomly to her kids, even when she is having a hard day with them. Always giving, never taking. The mom that teaches her children about the gospel and is a constant example to them. I want to be the person who always has a smile on her face, who stops and looks around and realizes how great she has it every single day! I want to be a homemaker and a goal setter. I want to have a strong testimony of the gospel. So that I NEVER have a doubt in my mind. I want to be the daughter/daughter in law and sister/sister in law to my family that I would want them to be to me. To check in every once in a while to see how they're doing. To do lunch dates and hang out, just because I could. I want to make a difference in the world every day through the small things. I want to be good about reading scriptures and praying, even when it is inconvenient or late at night.

I feel like al of these are so out of reach and that it will take a while to get them down, but that is what I want to end up like. I know that it wont happen overnight too. Baby steps. Thank heavens for to-do lists right? Thats the only way I get anything done in a day. I decided that I am going to do something a little different than I have ever done. I am going to do a daily goal. I need to find a white board that I can write it down on. Something that will help me remember. I have a feeling it will go on facebook, on my phone, everywhere I look often. Hopefully this helps push me towards my ultimate goal. :)

Goal #1: Limit my time using technology. 2 hours watching tv. 30 minute on the computer. 1 hour phone(playing games, checking facebook, etc.)

-Reminder*** I are just starting this. It looks like not very much change, but compared to the 5 hours tv, 3 hours phone, and 2 hour computer, this is a drastic cut. Time to be the person I want to be.

Update on the babes. 8 months. Big boy too. he's wearing 12 month clothes! Little boy has one tooth with the second one coming in right now! its cute!!

Some part of me

I have had a lot of time to think this week. i've realized quite a few things too,

1. without walking in the mornings i am LAZY. That's all there is to it!! It has been almost a week since me and my mom walked and lets face it. It has been absolutely wonderful, but I do nothing!! watch tv, eat otter pops, take care of the baby (that counts for something right??) But when he's napping I am too. Thats how the past couple days have been. Zero energy.

2. Babies grow up too fast. Spencer just figured out how to crawl. It's pretty much the cutest thing ever. It makes me so happy to see him so mobile, but....this kid is a TERRORIST! He sees something he wants. He gets that thing he wants. and he destroys everything in his path to get that thing. Makes for some fun fun fun cleaning ALL day. Everyday. And the best part about it?? people tell me that it only gets worse?? I'm not sure how but lets face it...mom's aren't suposed to be able to get anything done in a day. It takes every last drop of energy to clean up things. Getting ready?? a thing of the past. Showering? either late at night when baby goes to sleep or doesn't happen. Eating?? only if you can sneak the food because baby thinks that anything that is going into your mouth should be going into theirs instead. Not only this but now he also figured out how to pull himself to a standing on things. Coffee table, entertainments center, couch, toys, doors. So anything that was hiding on top of these things, can be reached. How do they learn so fast?? So happy that he's growing and learning, but really??

3. Sick babies should act sick. This past week we took Spencer to the doctor because he started coughing really bad. Well the doctor proceeds to tell us that spencer is a happy baby all things considered! She told us that he had 2 ear infections, bronulitis, AND croup. SERIOUSLY?? the kid didn't even act sick other than a little cough and runny nose. Poor boy needs to just lay there but no. Like I said earlier, nothing brings this kid down! haha

4. Alone time with the husband is important. As hard as it was to leave Spencer for the first time, Vegas was so much better without him. Me and Derek had a great time sightseeing, going to Celine dion concert. :) :) and going to fancy restaurants. It was so worth waiting for that trip. Our hotel was BOMB> the only thing missing, we should have gotten a massage. haha The concierge upgraded us for free to a huge suite that had a full kitchen, laundry machines, and sauna all in our room. Yeah we were blessed there for sure. It was nice to not wake up to take care of a baby for a couple days. SO glad we were able to experience that together.

5. I have been so inspired by other peoples blogs. Some of the blogs I follow are so inspirational and so from the heart. I want to write like that but never think of doing it!! Hopefully people don't mind when i copy some of the ideas they have used... I'm not copying because I want to take away your "publicity" I'm copying because you are a genius and I am in awe of your brilliance!! Just to explain that one. :)

6. This new year is going to be bomb! I'll post pictures of all our adventures in my next post. :) I haven't loaded any of them to the computer recently. :)

<, Adios, Ciao>>