My baby isn't anymore.

This week spencer started walking. Not the couple of steps. From couch to couch. Across rooms. Every day he gets better and better! I am so excited for this step but at the same time. That's my baby. My little 6 lb 3 oz. baby. My little pal who I snuggled every day for months. That little baby who tested every bit of patience that I had. Where has the time gone? In about two weeks he turns one. How is that possible?! I want my little snuggle baby back. The one that just laid there staring at me and that slept in my arms. But no. We have moved on to other things. Walking. Babbling about whatever is going on in his little brain. Playing with toys. Getting in to things. It's crazy just how much they grow and develop in a year!

I wonder why it is time goes faster as we get older. When I was a little girl I thought church was all day. Conference lasted forever! School days took eternities! But as I get older, the days became seconds and the year became days. I think it does this so that we learn to appreciate each day and the memories that we have. Because one day we know it will all be different! I'm trying really hard to be the mom who keeps her cool when she wants to rip her hair out. The kind of mom that turns mistakes and unpleasant opportunities into teaching and learning moments. I've had a lot weighing on my mind as I think about the future... How will my kids ever want to be happy if I'm not? I need to find the happiness that I once had! Not to say I'm not happy now. Things are good! I just want to be a positive person. One that can only see the good in everyone and make a difference. You know!?

Baby steps. I am so blessed and even though I have no idea what heavenly father has in mind for the rest of my family's life, I'm learning that I have to trust that he will take care of me and place me where I need to be. Especially as spencer gets older. The thought of having more kids becomes a thought again. I'm finally at a place that I feel like I could handle another kid. (I know and so the baby hungry begins) haha but I am excited for the next one. Whenever that will be. I hope I will be privileged with more children when the time comes! :)

Letter to myself

You have done so many exciting things and have had so many adventures this far in life! You have fought battles with depression, learned how to make others days better and even learned how to be a better mom. None of it has been easy and it probably won't get any easier for a while at least, but you have learned some pretty important principles that should stick. You have learned that there is a difference between feeling the spirit and when that presence is gone. You have learned that men do thing differently and it's not worth nagging because it only leads to worse arguments. Just don't even go there In the first place!

You have learned that screaming at your child doesn't make them stop anything, it just makes you frustrated and them cry even harder. It's easier to try other methods before losing your cool all the time. You learned that it is possible to be a wife that cooks and cleans a little bit and a mom that pays and goes on walks with them. It's possible to be the wonder woman that you want to be.

Recently you have recognized that it's really not that much fun to be sad all the time. There is more to life than just moping. It has and will get hard at times, financially, emotionally, and physically. But just know that you can do anything you put your mind to. Your son loves you more than he can express right now. He looks up to you for example and guidance. Be the mom to him that he needs. Cherish every moment and make him feel like the most important human being out there.

Your husband is your number one. He stands by you in any decision even if it isn't the best decision. He would move mountains for you if you asked him to , so make sure that you are to him, everything that he is to you. He is goig to drive you crazy, he is going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But remember that you do that too. He is doing his best to be what you need so isn't it only fair that you treat him with respect? Communicate with him. Let him know how you feel about things without overdoing the complaining. Don't ever talk bad about something that is important to him. Support him. Love him!

Be grateful for what you have. You have been so blessed and its important not to compare yourself to others. That will get you no where. It doesn't matter how much money someone has. It doesn't matter that they have a house or way of doing things. Do what is best for your family.

You have been through a lot and with having a son who is almost a year, it can get a little overwhelming at times. Take time to slow down. Your family is the only thing that matters in the eternal perspective! You should never be too busy to help with something or to talk about a problem. Always give and never expect anything in return. Because if you think about it, none of it is yours anyways! :)

You have been raised by wonderful parents. You know what is right and now it's time to teach your kids that! You are such a good mom. You know what your son needs and care for him more than you show sometimes! Keep on being strong for him. Your future family will be so blessed for your example. Do what is right. Follow yor heart.

Love,
Alana

Live and learn

Well, it's been a little while. This past week I had Zero time to do anything I wanted, let alone sit and write all my feelings out. Ha...I've had a very humbling, stressful, emotional, hard week. I've learned a lot of lessons and even felt like I was going to burst at the seams a couple of times! This is how it goes...

This is the week that I thought I was pregnant...seven days late. you don't get more of a scare then that. Needless to say, I'm not, but for every single second of those days it was on my mind. I was trying to figure out if I was ready to be, if I wanted to be, and if I could handle it. My answer to all of those?? No. I'm not ready (as you'll read later), I don't (necessarily) want to be right now, and i found out i couldn't handle it. (not right now at least).

On top of the above stress, lets add on my favorite topic to write about. SCHOOL!! This is the week that I was reminded that school isn't easy. It's expensive and time consuming. For my computer class, we (Derek volunteered to help so I didn't rip my hair out, literally) discovered that I needed a Windows 7 computer, with Microsoft word 2010. FIrst of all, none of those two things are cheap, but we found out Miranda (Derek's sister) had both so I was able to get most of it done. Just two more assignments (out of 12, for just this class) left to do! 3 more weeks of this and i'll be done. After discussing through tears and frustration I have come to the conclusion that I can't handle it right now. I do want to finish my degree, but lets be real here, if I can't keep it together emotionally for my husband (lots of yelling from me this week, oops!), do what needs to be done around the house, and take the little bit of time for me that I need in order to keep myself healthy, then now isn't the time. I will finish. But I need to be what my family needs first.

The biggest stress for me this week. The thing that eats me up alive and makes me crazy was the ticket. Thats right. I got my first ticket this week. Nothing serious. Its just an added stress for me! haha Here's the story...I was hanging out with my friend. I left Spencer with her while I went to pick up Miranda from school. On the way to her house we were having a good conversation and I see a couple motorcycle cops sitting there so I slow down, only to look and see that even after slowing down I was still going far over the speed limit. Seeing that they are still standing there talking to each other I think i'm off the hook. Further down the road I look back to see him speeding after my with his lights. GREAT! So i pull over, the shaking starts as I try to act cool so Miranda can't see that I'm freaking out inside! He comes up and asks for license, registration, and insurance. So i dig through the stack of papers not sure what I'm really looking for. haha! Find the registration and have like 12 insurance cards that are ALL expired. so naturally i tell him all the info is correct that we pay every month and I just haven't put the new one in the truck yet. He goes to check the other info and during that time, i'm sitting there praying that I only get a warning since its the first time i've ever been pulled over! I wasn't going felony speed. so I don't think Its going to be that bad....A little while later he comes back and makes me sign the thing. Now I know that I am toast. He goes on to explain the ticket and that he has added on a fine for not having insurance but that if I take proof down to the court that I will get that waved. So I burst into tears. Haha no thats not accurate. I have passed over into hysterics. Sobbing. Can't breathe. The whole 9 yards. There goes looking good in front of my SIL! Ha then i text derek and tell him and so he calls. Thanks! You never call to talk to a woman that just got her first ticket. By now you can just assume that its not a pretty picture. You might as well have thought that my family member had died. Over dramatic?? maybe just a little. Haha so now I have to pay for being stupid and add another class to my busy schedule! Ha great story. The best part?? Everytime I thought about that ticket for the rest of the day I cried. Hahaha! Seriously it was hilarious...(now looking back on it).

SO that was the main event of this week. I lost my mind, took it out on everyone. Just overall was a walking train wreck...And then something happened... General Conference.

I was able to sit and watch. To feel guilty and have the desire to change. I got to cry. To laugh. and feel more loved from my father in heaven then ever before. I learned things I had forgotten. All the trials that I was experiencing seemed manageable. All of the circumstances from the past week were fading from my brain. Nothing mattered to me, except that I knew I needed to be better. I had thoughts flooding through my brain. I had talks that spoke to me and helped me to know that its okay. That its going to be hard in this life. That I'm not going to be perfect and that things are going to go wrong. But that if I endure it well and learn what I need to learn, then think of how much stronger I will be by the time it's all through! My world was changed by a few of those talks.

So even though this week was so hard, I don't think that conference would have had the same spirit and affect that it did, without going through all those things first. So once again. I'm left here standing, being grateful for my trials. Knowing that its okay to have bad days. It's okay to not be the best at everything. But if I do my best and give it all I got, then Christ will make up the difference.