Well, it's been a little while. This past week I had Zero time to do anything I wanted, let alone sit and write all my feelings out. Ha...I've had a very humbling, stressful, emotional, hard week. I've learned a lot of lessons and even felt like I was going to burst at the seams a couple of times! This is how it goes...
This is the week that I thought I was pregnant...seven days late. you don't get more of a scare then that. Needless to say, I'm not, but for every single second of those days it was on my mind. I was trying to figure out if I was ready to be, if I wanted to be, and if I could handle it. My answer to all of those?? No. I'm not ready (as you'll read later), I don't (necessarily) want to be right now, and i found out i couldn't handle it. (not right now at least).
On top of the above stress, lets add on my favorite topic to write about. SCHOOL!! This is the week that I was reminded that school isn't easy. It's expensive and time consuming. For my computer class, we (Derek volunteered to help so I didn't rip my hair out, literally) discovered that I needed a Windows 7 computer, with Microsoft word 2010. FIrst of all, none of those two things are cheap, but we found out Miranda (Derek's sister) had both so I was able to get most of it done. Just two more assignments (out of 12, for just this class) left to do! 3 more weeks of this and i'll be done. After discussing through tears and frustration I have come to the conclusion that I can't handle it right now. I do want to finish my degree, but lets be real here, if I can't keep it together emotionally for my husband (lots of yelling from me this week, oops!), do what needs to be done around the house, and take the little bit of time for me that I need in order to keep myself healthy, then now isn't the time. I will finish. But I need to be what my family needs first.
The biggest stress for me this week. The thing that eats me up alive and makes me crazy was the ticket. Thats right. I got my first ticket this week. Nothing serious. Its just an added stress for me! haha Here's the story...I was hanging out with my friend. I left Spencer with her while I went to pick up Miranda from school. On the way to her house we were having a good conversation and I see a couple motorcycle cops sitting there so I slow down, only to look and see that even after slowing down I was still going far over the speed limit. Seeing that they are still standing there talking to each other I think i'm off the hook. Further down the road I look back to see him speeding after my with his lights. GREAT! So i pull over, the shaking starts as I try to act cool so Miranda can't see that I'm freaking out inside! He comes up and asks for license, registration, and insurance. So i dig through the stack of papers not sure what I'm really looking for. haha! Find the registration and have like 12 insurance cards that are ALL expired. so naturally i tell him all the info is correct that we pay every month and I just haven't put the new one in the truck yet. He goes to check the other info and during that time, i'm sitting there praying that I only get a warning since its the first time i've ever been pulled over! I wasn't going felony speed. so I don't think Its going to be that bad....A little while later he comes back and makes me sign the thing. Now I know that I am toast. He goes on to explain the ticket and that he has added on a fine for not having insurance but that if I take proof down to the court that I will get that waved. So I burst into tears. Haha no thats not accurate. I have passed over into hysterics. Sobbing. Can't breathe. The whole 9 yards. There goes looking good in front of my SIL! Ha then i text derek and tell him and so he calls. Thanks! You never call to talk to a woman that just got her first ticket. By now you can just assume that its not a pretty picture. You might as well have thought that my family member had died. Over dramatic?? maybe just a little. Haha so now I have to pay for being stupid and add another class to my busy schedule! Ha great story. The best part?? Everytime I thought about that ticket for the rest of the day I cried. Hahaha! Seriously it was hilarious...(now looking back on it).
SO that was the main event of this week. I lost my mind, took it out on everyone. Just overall was a walking train wreck...And then something happened... General Conference.
I was able to sit and watch. To feel guilty and have the desire to change. I got to cry. To laugh. and feel more loved from my father in heaven then ever before. I learned things I had forgotten. All the trials that I was experiencing seemed manageable. All of the circumstances from the past week were fading from my brain. Nothing mattered to me, except that I knew I needed to be better. I had thoughts flooding through my brain. I had talks that spoke to me and helped me to know that its okay. That its going to be hard in this life. That I'm not going to be perfect and that things are going to go wrong. But that if I endure it well and learn what I need to learn, then think of how much stronger I will be by the time it's all through! My world was changed by a few of those talks.
So even though this week was so hard, I don't think that conference would have had the same spirit and affect that it did, without going through all those things first. So once again. I'm left here standing, being grateful for my trials. Knowing that its okay to have bad days. It's okay to not be the best at everything. But if I do my best and give it all I got, then Christ will make up the difference.
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