Another year already?!

It's been a year. A year since I went into labor with the boy who would forever change my life. I had no clue that it would take almost an entire day till I could meet him but I also definitely underestimated what was ahead. I can remember telling the doctors I just want him out! I'm ready to meet him. But was I?! Floods of emotions before we went to the hospital. Was I ready?Was it really happening? One of those "ready or not, here i come" moments. I wasn't sure what was going to happen but I knew that I was uncomfortable And that I needed to accept the fact that he was on his way into my life.

I can't believe he turns one tomorrow. Derek said that we should run into Spencer's room at 1:45 in the morning (when he was born) just to show him how it feels to be up at that time in the morning, a taste of what we had to go through. I told him he is more than welcome to do that but he would have to be the one to be up with him when spencer wouldn't go back to bed and that I would rather stay in bed. He's apparently still not over it. Haha spencer has been a miracle to us. The thing that has started roughing our edges a little. He makes us better every single day by simply being him! He tests us in ways I didn't think possible. He helps me with patience and has helped me learn to keep my cool about things that don't matter all that much. I have the privilege of being his mom and that's the best feeling out there! He's one lucky guy and he is going to make such a great big brother some day when the time comes! ( if we can get over this hitting biting stage, at least) ha but anyone that doesn't know spencer needs to. He is a blessing in so many ways.

And I know it's not his birthday quite yet, I just couldn't wait a day knowing that today is the day I found out he would come! Just a day left till we first got to set our eyes on him! A year! He has grown so much and learned so much in a year. He's the cutest little blonde hair blue eyes boy I know. Other than my adorable husband that is. :) this little guy is so friendly and goofy. He wants all the attention and wants to show off his walking, talking, waving. Etc! I love my little boy spencer with my whole heart and can't wait to celebrate his big day with him tomorrow! :) I love you spencer so so much!

My baby isn't anymore.

This week spencer started walking. Not the couple of steps. From couch to couch. Across rooms. Every day he gets better and better! I am so excited for this step but at the same time. That's my baby. My little 6 lb 3 oz. baby. My little pal who I snuggled every day for months. That little baby who tested every bit of patience that I had. Where has the time gone? In about two weeks he turns one. How is that possible?! I want my little snuggle baby back. The one that just laid there staring at me and that slept in my arms. But no. We have moved on to other things. Walking. Babbling about whatever is going on in his little brain. Playing with toys. Getting in to things. It's crazy just how much they grow and develop in a year!

I wonder why it is time goes faster as we get older. When I was a little girl I thought church was all day. Conference lasted forever! School days took eternities! But as I get older, the days became seconds and the year became days. I think it does this so that we learn to appreciate each day and the memories that we have. Because one day we know it will all be different! I'm trying really hard to be the mom who keeps her cool when she wants to rip her hair out. The kind of mom that turns mistakes and unpleasant opportunities into teaching and learning moments. I've had a lot weighing on my mind as I think about the future... How will my kids ever want to be happy if I'm not? I need to find the happiness that I once had! Not to say I'm not happy now. Things are good! I just want to be a positive person. One that can only see the good in everyone and make a difference. You know!?

Baby steps. I am so blessed and even though I have no idea what heavenly father has in mind for the rest of my family's life, I'm learning that I have to trust that he will take care of me and place me where I need to be. Especially as spencer gets older. The thought of having more kids becomes a thought again. I'm finally at a place that I feel like I could handle another kid. (I know and so the baby hungry begins) haha but I am excited for the next one. Whenever that will be. I hope I will be privileged with more children when the time comes! :)

Letter to myself

You have done so many exciting things and have had so many adventures this far in life! You have fought battles with depression, learned how to make others days better and even learned how to be a better mom. None of it has been easy and it probably won't get any easier for a while at least, but you have learned some pretty important principles that should stick. You have learned that there is a difference between feeling the spirit and when that presence is gone. You have learned that men do thing differently and it's not worth nagging because it only leads to worse arguments. Just don't even go there In the first place!

You have learned that screaming at your child doesn't make them stop anything, it just makes you frustrated and them cry even harder. It's easier to try other methods before losing your cool all the time. You learned that it is possible to be a wife that cooks and cleans a little bit and a mom that pays and goes on walks with them. It's possible to be the wonder woman that you want to be.

Recently you have recognized that it's really not that much fun to be sad all the time. There is more to life than just moping. It has and will get hard at times, financially, emotionally, and physically. But just know that you can do anything you put your mind to. Your son loves you more than he can express right now. He looks up to you for example and guidance. Be the mom to him that he needs. Cherish every moment and make him feel like the most important human being out there.

Your husband is your number one. He stands by you in any decision even if it isn't the best decision. He would move mountains for you if you asked him to , so make sure that you are to him, everything that he is to you. He is goig to drive you crazy, he is going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But remember that you do that too. He is doing his best to be what you need so isn't it only fair that you treat him with respect? Communicate with him. Let him know how you feel about things without overdoing the complaining. Don't ever talk bad about something that is important to him. Support him. Love him!

Be grateful for what you have. You have been so blessed and its important not to compare yourself to others. That will get you no where. It doesn't matter how much money someone has. It doesn't matter that they have a house or way of doing things. Do what is best for your family.

You have been through a lot and with having a son who is almost a year, it can get a little overwhelming at times. Take time to slow down. Your family is the only thing that matters in the eternal perspective! You should never be too busy to help with something or to talk about a problem. Always give and never expect anything in return. Because if you think about it, none of it is yours anyways! :)

You have been raised by wonderful parents. You know what is right and now it's time to teach your kids that! You are such a good mom. You know what your son needs and care for him more than you show sometimes! Keep on being strong for him. Your future family will be so blessed for your example. Do what is right. Follow yor heart.

Love,
Alana

Live and learn

Well, it's been a little while. This past week I had Zero time to do anything I wanted, let alone sit and write all my feelings out. Ha...I've had a very humbling, stressful, emotional, hard week. I've learned a lot of lessons and even felt like I was going to burst at the seams a couple of times! This is how it goes...

This is the week that I thought I was pregnant...seven days late. you don't get more of a scare then that. Needless to say, I'm not, but for every single second of those days it was on my mind. I was trying to figure out if I was ready to be, if I wanted to be, and if I could handle it. My answer to all of those?? No. I'm not ready (as you'll read later), I don't (necessarily) want to be right now, and i found out i couldn't handle it. (not right now at least).

On top of the above stress, lets add on my favorite topic to write about. SCHOOL!! This is the week that I was reminded that school isn't easy. It's expensive and time consuming. For my computer class, we (Derek volunteered to help so I didn't rip my hair out, literally) discovered that I needed a Windows 7 computer, with Microsoft word 2010. FIrst of all, none of those two things are cheap, but we found out Miranda (Derek's sister) had both so I was able to get most of it done. Just two more assignments (out of 12, for just this class) left to do! 3 more weeks of this and i'll be done. After discussing through tears and frustration I have come to the conclusion that I can't handle it right now. I do want to finish my degree, but lets be real here, if I can't keep it together emotionally for my husband (lots of yelling from me this week, oops!), do what needs to be done around the house, and take the little bit of time for me that I need in order to keep myself healthy, then now isn't the time. I will finish. But I need to be what my family needs first.

The biggest stress for me this week. The thing that eats me up alive and makes me crazy was the ticket. Thats right. I got my first ticket this week. Nothing serious. Its just an added stress for me! haha Here's the story...I was hanging out with my friend. I left Spencer with her while I went to pick up Miranda from school. On the way to her house we were having a good conversation and I see a couple motorcycle cops sitting there so I slow down, only to look and see that even after slowing down I was still going far over the speed limit. Seeing that they are still standing there talking to each other I think i'm off the hook. Further down the road I look back to see him speeding after my with his lights. GREAT! So i pull over, the shaking starts as I try to act cool so Miranda can't see that I'm freaking out inside! He comes up and asks for license, registration, and insurance. So i dig through the stack of papers not sure what I'm really looking for. haha! Find the registration and have like 12 insurance cards that are ALL expired. so naturally i tell him all the info is correct that we pay every month and I just haven't put the new one in the truck yet. He goes to check the other info and during that time, i'm sitting there praying that I only get a warning since its the first time i've ever been pulled over! I wasn't going felony speed. so I don't think Its going to be that bad....A little while later he comes back and makes me sign the thing. Now I know that I am toast. He goes on to explain the ticket and that he has added on a fine for not having insurance but that if I take proof down to the court that I will get that waved. So I burst into tears. Haha no thats not accurate. I have passed over into hysterics. Sobbing. Can't breathe. The whole 9 yards. There goes looking good in front of my SIL! Ha then i text derek and tell him and so he calls. Thanks! You never call to talk to a woman that just got her first ticket. By now you can just assume that its not a pretty picture. You might as well have thought that my family member had died. Over dramatic?? maybe just a little. Haha so now I have to pay for being stupid and add another class to my busy schedule! Ha great story. The best part?? Everytime I thought about that ticket for the rest of the day I cried. Hahaha! Seriously it was hilarious...(now looking back on it).

SO that was the main event of this week. I lost my mind, took it out on everyone. Just overall was a walking train wreck...And then something happened... General Conference.

I was able to sit and watch. To feel guilty and have the desire to change. I got to cry. To laugh. and feel more loved from my father in heaven then ever before. I learned things I had forgotten. All the trials that I was experiencing seemed manageable. All of the circumstances from the past week were fading from my brain. Nothing mattered to me, except that I knew I needed to be better. I had thoughts flooding through my brain. I had talks that spoke to me and helped me to know that its okay. That its going to be hard in this life. That I'm not going to be perfect and that things are going to go wrong. But that if I endure it well and learn what I need to learn, then think of how much stronger I will be by the time it's all through! My world was changed by a few of those talks.

So even though this week was so hard, I don't think that conference would have had the same spirit and affect that it did, without going through all those things first. So once again. I'm left here standing, being grateful for my trials. Knowing that its okay to have bad days. It's okay to not be the best at everything. But if I do my best and give it all I got, then Christ will make up the difference.

Trying really hard

Man has this week been trying. Finances are tight, my patience is running thin, and I can't seem to do anything right. I've been stressed non-stop for probably 4 days with so much going on. Funny thing, it's not the stress i'm as worried about. It's more the fact that I have been taking everything out on my dear husband. No wonder he doesn't want to be around me right?? Who would want to be around a crazy emotional disaster!? Trust me. Half the time I can't even stand myself. ha

So this upcoming week I'm gonna do better. I'm going to try really hard to be nice ( even when i'm on a mean streak). I'm going to try to get all my school stuff done throughout the week so that I don't have that added stress. Me and derek have been playing with the idea of me not going back to school right now. I know that it isn't meant to be easy, but when the house chores don't get done, dinner doesn't get done without derek doing it, the classwork piles up, and yet I still have to make time to work occasionally, or meet the needs of other people...that doesn't leave much time for us. I haven't decided yet, but i definitely know I can't do it like this next semester. It is draining me. You know those Zombie mom's?? yeah thats me. Getting less and less sleep everyday. Shower maybe every three+ days (if i'm lucky... gross i know). I need to take care of my family before I do my school work and it seems as if my wants get pushed back to the very very very bottom of the list. Which is fine...just wears me out pretty fast. haha

I can do it though. I need to get my priorities in check. I need to get rid of the cell phone obsession. I need to get rid of the books (after I finish hunger games though). I need to find ways to be productive with spencer helping me. To do things that as a stay at home mom and wife I need to do. I need to get my life in line. It's like i've been sleeping ( metaphorical not physically) all this time...And yet everyday I wake up thinking, i'll start tomorrow. because its a challenge. A never ending challenge.

Then again, isn't that what life is? Something that some of us have to work really hard to accomplish. The problems don't always go away. Sometimes we learn to deal with them. I think it's time for me to do just that. To kick myself into action. If I can make it through this semester, then how much easier will it be when I am done and have the summer to swim and spend time with my family? I just have to make it 5 more weeks. Thats how much time is left. Then from there it is uphill. :)

Now for a funny part of this blog,

Spencer has turned into the little rebel/troublemaker. I don't know why boys are born with the sense of getting their hands on everything, but we've been working on using the word no with spencer. This kid just doesn't get it. You can spank him, slap his hand, pull him away, scream at him(well sometimes that does work), haha but no matter what he goes right back to the object you are trying to keep him from. Today in the bath tub for example. We have a drain in the bathtub that doesn't have a plug. So we shove a washcloth in the hole and it works great. Well spencer thinks that washcloth is a toy, so naturally he tries to take it out, well we explain to him that if he takes it out then bath time is over and then if he plays with it or pulls on it, then I tell/yell "no" at him. well he looks at me with those beautiful eyes of his and smiles. Yeah right mister, thats not gonna make me forget your plan. Hahaha so he tries again, same thing. Well he finally caught on and started putting his washcloth on top of it and then pulling. As if to say, "But mom! I'm not playing with that one anymore. This is mine, see?? and smiles or giggles. This kid is too smart for his own good! Needless to say eventually he did pull it all the way out, and shucks, bath time was over. I love him, but this kid is exhausting with his tricky cuteness...Good thing i'm one smart momma. :)

Falling short

Warning: this is a venting/ upset post. If you don't want to hear complaining don't read this post!!!!

Why is it that financial stresses are the most common reason for disagreements in a marriage?

Why does the stress not seem to go away either?

I look forward for the day that I don't have to worry as much about getting

groceries, or when something comes up that we can afford to deal with it.

Right now is not that time.

I am weighing heavily on the possibility of me needed to find work to do.

Honestly, that brings me to tears just to talk about it. To know that I don't get to be with my baby every second of every day.

Don't get me wrong it's a sacrifice i am willing to make, but it hurts.

I'm sick of finances. I'm sick of the stress it causes me and derek.

I just want to feel comfortable.

Right now we have so many things that are weighing on us.

1. Getting passports for our vacation in May:$300+

2. Getting all the books for my class that just started: $80

3. Paying pediatrician bills for Spencer being sick so much: $200

4. Derek getting truck fixed: $780

5. Regular bills/Debt: What seems like a million dollars

6. Finding the spare money to get groceries to feed the family

7.Having the faith to pay a portion of Derek's paycheck to tithing

8. Being able to drive to places we need to be and being able to spend $60 in gas every two weeks

I"m sure the list could go on and on. And i'm sure most of you probably are in the same circumstance so I know its not something you care/ think I should worry too much about. But I can't help it when it gets this tight at the end of the month. There isn't as much coming in as we need for these spur of the moment burdens.

My husband works harder than anyone that I know. He is doing everything he can

to provide and make sure we are taken care of.

I don't ever want to make him feel like he's not doing enough because I know that he is.

He's doing everything he can just to get through school and go to work.

That literally takes all of his time.

Which brings me back to the getting a job thing.

I feel the need to do something other than cleaning my moms house and occasionally working for my MIL.

But what?? Everyone says couponing but we seriously don't spend that much money on groceries to coupon. It takes so much more time in my day then I have with a baby and school and house responsibilities.

If anyone has any ideas, i'd sure love to hear them. Till then I have to figure out how to make it by till derek is up high enough where he feels comfortable. I think thats part of it. I know how sad it makes him when he knows we are tight. I know that he feels like he isn't doing enough. But trust me. I wouldn't ask anything more of him. He's doing exactly what I asked him to by going to school.

I might be just overwhelmed tonight which is why this is such a sad post, but we're allowed a bad day every once in a while right??

I try so hard to turn my trials into something positive. To look for the blessings.

I am grateful for everything that I do have. I am even more grateful for the help so many people have been to us. Literally I don't think that we would have made it through what we have without them.

There has gotta be a light at the end of the tunnel, so I know that by paying our tithing we will be blessed and we will make it through times like these. I feel like I need to stay strong for Derek. I feel like he deserves some positivity and the comfort in knowing that money doesn't matter. In the eternal perspective all we will have is our families.

I just wished that the world didn't demand so much from us in order to survive.

Spoiled this week

Well this week with spring break i have been spoiled!!

Not in the shopping every night spoiled, its more spoiled in the help that my husband

has been this week! Derek has only had to worry about work. I can see how much of a relief it is to him to not have to worry about school.

It almost makes me wonder if school is the right thing for him to be doing, and then i remember how important it is that he finishes and gets a degree.

Either way, I have loved every second of having him help with the house chores and Spencer. I'm going to miss seeing him during the day and having full days off!

For me, I am Dreading school...I don't want to start monday, with my second class starting and the stress that brings. I have been trying to make a list of all the things that I

need to do and start...so far it goes as followed:

1. Get passports for me and Spencer. (there goes 400 bucks)

2. Start my new computer class/get books for it

3. Finish the Buried cities and lost tribes class

4. Fold laundry (that pile is a mile high right now)

5. Bake cookies for my sister for helping with a school assignment

6. Pay bills and work on budgeting

7. Organize to start couponing

8. Grocery shopping so that we have food to eat.... my fridge looks

sad right now. Small budget=less food.

9.Do something special for the man who does everything for me.

10. Get our list together to go up to utah in a couple weeks. (can't

Wait to see my baby nephew! He better prepare himself for some smooches!!)

I am trying to not stress about any of these things, except for school and passport. those are my main two! Can't go on vacation in may without them...:)

A couple of good things about this upcoming couple of weeks??

My MOM comes home from Denver Colorado! Man have I missed her! You never realize how much you like being around someone until they leave for a week. Too long of a time. ha

Also General conference is coming soon! I can't wait. I remember when I was

younger I always loved G.C. just because we got to stay home from church (still is one of the perks) but now I just can't wait to hear what they have to say to help me. I can't wait to feel the guilt of not doing something to help push me to do it. To know that I should be better. To get that spirit back in our home. Its just going to be wonderful!

Last is Easter. I get to spend Spencer's first Easter in Utah with my nephew supporting them in blessing their sweet baby boy. I can't wait to hold him. Seriously I see pictures and my heart hurts because I haven't seen him. I am Maeson's aunt. It's kind of a big deal! :)

Lots are going on in this brain of mine. I just try to make it day to day to get through. Somedays i end with a smile, and some days I do my best just to be nice. But I have wonderful support team. I am so glad that I married such a wonderful guy. He does things for me that I don't deserve. He cleans and tries to do what he can even when he is exhausted. We have days where we snap at each other and honestly, I don't ever not love him..

We both have been trying to keep our cool and not get offended when each other says something that comes off as rude. We aren't perfect.

But we are PERFECT for each other.

I hope one day I can be the person in my head.

That perfect wife.

The person that both he and Spencer deserve.

I seriously have a wonderful life.

I've never had good luck in anything, and yet I see my family, and lets be honest. I'm the luckiest girl out there. I might not win any contests. Or have my name drawn to do something important. But I was lucky enough to get to spend the rest of the eternities with the people who mean the most to me. Thats good enough for me! :)