My first fear is one that my close family and friends hear about way too often. It's my fear of taking pills. I have tried over and over again to over come this, and I mean I have taken pills before so I know it's something I can do, just mentally my brain doesn't allow me to put liquid in my mouth and just swallow like a normal person. It tells me panic now. Throat closes. Body refuses. Totally awesome. Made taking birth control pills and antibiotics a blast when I needed to. Ha the only thing I can think is that the two times I swallowed life savers whole and choked has scarred me for the rest of my life. I hope they have liquid/chewable alternatives to every medications and vitamin that I will ever need to take!
My second fear is that something will happen to my family when I'm not near them. I don't want anyone else's stupidity to permanently injure or take from me, the thing that means the most to me. I don't want to be that mom who gets a phone call that something has happened. Every time I talk to Derek when he's leaving to or from school, work, the grocery store, pretty much anywhere, I always end with please drive safe, I love you. Not that I don't trust his driving, I don't trust the stupid people on the road around him. With all of the shootings and killings in schools and banks, it's adding to my fear and gives me anxiety to the point that I don't want my kids going anywhere if I can't be with them to do my best to protect them. All moms understand that one... Never realized how hard it is to let kids grow up and try new things, even if it means they could get hurt.
My last fear is of failing. Not in school although that stinks too, I mean in life. When all is said and done in this life, was what I did enough? Did I teach my kids the right ways to live and did I teach them about what matters most in life? Did I teach them about Heavenly Father and his plan? Did I teach them how to respect and how to be good parents one day themselves? It's scary, that how I act directly affects how they will be. Who I teach them about, will be who they know. That's a lot of pressure. Who wants to look back and only see what you could have done better? I'm afraid that I haven't repented enough, haven't been kind enough, haven't given my very best... But when I'm in the moment, screaming at spencer for something he did wrong, I don't know how to change that. I guess that's where practice comes in. I'm sure most first time moms feel like failures one time or another right? Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. But being a great wife and mom is even harder. I guess thank heavens for good examples and for books that help give new ideas to try. I'm learning quickly how to say sorry. I'm learning how to live off of little sleep. It's all a learning process, I just never imagined how hard that process actually was. To all you moms out there... You make it look so easy. I know it's probably not, a walk in the park every day, but I sure do appreciate hearing stories about how common it is for us to "lose it" and to hear how their kid threw the biggest tantrum in the middle of the grocery store. Makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone in my insanity. :)
These fears may seem silly, and maybe they are! I right now I know three things from these fears though. I like to chew before swallowing, I love my family more than anything else in the world, and I am always striving to be better. I want my best to be good enough.
Up next: describing my relationship with my spouse. I'm excited for that one! :)
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