Trying really hard

Man has this week been trying. Finances are tight, my patience is running thin, and I can't seem to do anything right. I've been stressed non-stop for probably 4 days with so much going on. Funny thing, it's not the stress i'm as worried about. It's more the fact that I have been taking everything out on my dear husband. No wonder he doesn't want to be around me right?? Who would want to be around a crazy emotional disaster!? Trust me. Half the time I can't even stand myself. ha

So this upcoming week I'm gonna do better. I'm going to try really hard to be nice ( even when i'm on a mean streak). I'm going to try to get all my school stuff done throughout the week so that I don't have that added stress. Me and derek have been playing with the idea of me not going back to school right now. I know that it isn't meant to be easy, but when the house chores don't get done, dinner doesn't get done without derek doing it, the classwork piles up, and yet I still have to make time to work occasionally, or meet the needs of other people...that doesn't leave much time for us. I haven't decided yet, but i definitely know I can't do it like this next semester. It is draining me. You know those Zombie mom's?? yeah thats me. Getting less and less sleep everyday. Shower maybe every three+ days (if i'm lucky... gross i know). I need to take care of my family before I do my school work and it seems as if my wants get pushed back to the very very very bottom of the list. Which is fine...just wears me out pretty fast. haha

I can do it though. I need to get my priorities in check. I need to get rid of the cell phone obsession. I need to get rid of the books (after I finish hunger games though). I need to find ways to be productive with spencer helping me. To do things that as a stay at home mom and wife I need to do. I need to get my life in line. It's like i've been sleeping ( metaphorical not physically) all this time...And yet everyday I wake up thinking, i'll start tomorrow. because its a challenge. A never ending challenge.

Then again, isn't that what life is? Something that some of us have to work really hard to accomplish. The problems don't always go away. Sometimes we learn to deal with them. I think it's time for me to do just that. To kick myself into action. If I can make it through this semester, then how much easier will it be when I am done and have the summer to swim and spend time with my family? I just have to make it 5 more weeks. Thats how much time is left. Then from there it is uphill. :)

Now for a funny part of this blog,

Spencer has turned into the little rebel/troublemaker. I don't know why boys are born with the sense of getting their hands on everything, but we've been working on using the word no with spencer. This kid just doesn't get it. You can spank him, slap his hand, pull him away, scream at him(well sometimes that does work), haha but no matter what he goes right back to the object you are trying to keep him from. Today in the bath tub for example. We have a drain in the bathtub that doesn't have a plug. So we shove a washcloth in the hole and it works great. Well spencer thinks that washcloth is a toy, so naturally he tries to take it out, well we explain to him that if he takes it out then bath time is over and then if he plays with it or pulls on it, then I tell/yell "no" at him. well he looks at me with those beautiful eyes of his and smiles. Yeah right mister, thats not gonna make me forget your plan. Hahaha so he tries again, same thing. Well he finally caught on and started putting his washcloth on top of it and then pulling. As if to say, "But mom! I'm not playing with that one anymore. This is mine, see?? and smiles or giggles. This kid is too smart for his own good! Needless to say eventually he did pull it all the way out, and shucks, bath time was over. I love him, but this kid is exhausting with his tricky cuteness...Good thing i'm one smart momma. :)

Falling short

Warning: this is a venting/ upset post. If you don't want to hear complaining don't read this post!!!!

Why is it that financial stresses are the most common reason for disagreements in a marriage?

Why does the stress not seem to go away either?

I look forward for the day that I don't have to worry as much about getting

groceries, or when something comes up that we can afford to deal with it.

Right now is not that time.

I am weighing heavily on the possibility of me needed to find work to do.

Honestly, that brings me to tears just to talk about it. To know that I don't get to be with my baby every second of every day.

Don't get me wrong it's a sacrifice i am willing to make, but it hurts.

I'm sick of finances. I'm sick of the stress it causes me and derek.

I just want to feel comfortable.

Right now we have so many things that are weighing on us.

1. Getting passports for our vacation in May:$300+

2. Getting all the books for my class that just started: $80

3. Paying pediatrician bills for Spencer being sick so much: $200

4. Derek getting truck fixed: $780

5. Regular bills/Debt: What seems like a million dollars

6. Finding the spare money to get groceries to feed the family

7.Having the faith to pay a portion of Derek's paycheck to tithing

8. Being able to drive to places we need to be and being able to spend $60 in gas every two weeks

I"m sure the list could go on and on. And i'm sure most of you probably are in the same circumstance so I know its not something you care/ think I should worry too much about. But I can't help it when it gets this tight at the end of the month. There isn't as much coming in as we need for these spur of the moment burdens.

My husband works harder than anyone that I know. He is doing everything he can

to provide and make sure we are taken care of.

I don't ever want to make him feel like he's not doing enough because I know that he is.

He's doing everything he can just to get through school and go to work.

That literally takes all of his time.

Which brings me back to the getting a job thing.

I feel the need to do something other than cleaning my moms house and occasionally working for my MIL.

But what?? Everyone says couponing but we seriously don't spend that much money on groceries to coupon. It takes so much more time in my day then I have with a baby and school and house responsibilities.

If anyone has any ideas, i'd sure love to hear them. Till then I have to figure out how to make it by till derek is up high enough where he feels comfortable. I think thats part of it. I know how sad it makes him when he knows we are tight. I know that he feels like he isn't doing enough. But trust me. I wouldn't ask anything more of him. He's doing exactly what I asked him to by going to school.

I might be just overwhelmed tonight which is why this is such a sad post, but we're allowed a bad day every once in a while right??

I try so hard to turn my trials into something positive. To look for the blessings.

I am grateful for everything that I do have. I am even more grateful for the help so many people have been to us. Literally I don't think that we would have made it through what we have without them.

There has gotta be a light at the end of the tunnel, so I know that by paying our tithing we will be blessed and we will make it through times like these. I feel like I need to stay strong for Derek. I feel like he deserves some positivity and the comfort in knowing that money doesn't matter. In the eternal perspective all we will have is our families.

I just wished that the world didn't demand so much from us in order to survive.

Spoiled this week

Well this week with spring break i have been spoiled!!

Not in the shopping every night spoiled, its more spoiled in the help that my husband

has been this week! Derek has only had to worry about work. I can see how much of a relief it is to him to not have to worry about school.

It almost makes me wonder if school is the right thing for him to be doing, and then i remember how important it is that he finishes and gets a degree.

Either way, I have loved every second of having him help with the house chores and Spencer. I'm going to miss seeing him during the day and having full days off!

For me, I am Dreading school...I don't want to start monday, with my second class starting and the stress that brings. I have been trying to make a list of all the things that I

need to do and start...so far it goes as followed:

1. Get passports for me and Spencer. (there goes 400 bucks)

2. Start my new computer class/get books for it

3. Finish the Buried cities and lost tribes class

4. Fold laundry (that pile is a mile high right now)

5. Bake cookies for my sister for helping with a school assignment

6. Pay bills and work on budgeting

7. Organize to start couponing

8. Grocery shopping so that we have food to eat.... my fridge looks

sad right now. Small budget=less food.

9.Do something special for the man who does everything for me.

10. Get our list together to go up to utah in a couple weeks. (can't

Wait to see my baby nephew! He better prepare himself for some smooches!!)

I am trying to not stress about any of these things, except for school and passport. those are my main two! Can't go on vacation in may without them...:)

A couple of good things about this upcoming couple of weeks??

My MOM comes home from Denver Colorado! Man have I missed her! You never realize how much you like being around someone until they leave for a week. Too long of a time. ha

Also General conference is coming soon! I can't wait. I remember when I was

younger I always loved G.C. just because we got to stay home from church (still is one of the perks) but now I just can't wait to hear what they have to say to help me. I can't wait to feel the guilt of not doing something to help push me to do it. To know that I should be better. To get that spirit back in our home. Its just going to be wonderful!

Last is Easter. I get to spend Spencer's first Easter in Utah with my nephew supporting them in blessing their sweet baby boy. I can't wait to hold him. Seriously I see pictures and my heart hurts because I haven't seen him. I am Maeson's aunt. It's kind of a big deal! :)

Lots are going on in this brain of mine. I just try to make it day to day to get through. Somedays i end with a smile, and some days I do my best just to be nice. But I have wonderful support team. I am so glad that I married such a wonderful guy. He does things for me that I don't deserve. He cleans and tries to do what he can even when he is exhausted. We have days where we snap at each other and honestly, I don't ever not love him..

We both have been trying to keep our cool and not get offended when each other says something that comes off as rude. We aren't perfect.

But we are PERFECT for each other.

I hope one day I can be the person in my head.

That perfect wife.

The person that both he and Spencer deserve.

I seriously have a wonderful life.

I've never had good luck in anything, and yet I see my family, and lets be honest. I'm the luckiest girl out there. I might not win any contests. Or have my name drawn to do something important. But I was lucky enough to get to spend the rest of the eternities with the people who mean the most to me. Thats good enough for me! :)

a glimpse of happiness

Today i have been thinking a lot about perspective.

There has to be a reason that we are going through certain things. Do you ever wonder where it is taking you, though??

There has to be a reason that things happen, but in the midst of a hard decision or trial have you ever stopped to wonder what consequent this action will have? Or do we all just sit and wallow in self pity waiting till everything smoothes out.

I know if I had the attitude from the picture to the right, I could do a lot more. I can do anything I put my mind to. I feel like in the midst of growing up a little I have lost this "can-do" attitude. If i woke up in the middle of the night with Spencer and said "I can do hard things" don't you think I would be better because of it? I'm starting what could be a terrible day and flipping it to something I know i can do.

Knowing that I have the right perspective with the right attitude i'm thinking I can go pretty far in life. :)

Now I just have to remember this when i'm exhausted and not having a good day. haha

Gonna have to find a creative way to plaster it into my brain!

Back to bed

Today is one of those days where I am dying to go back to bed. One of those nothing going your way kind of days. It's a day where we've put off grocery shopping so long that we have nothing left... No milk, no lunch stuff no snacks. So I found some oatmeal and tried cooking that for the first time. Well it was food. Nothing special. So I sit down on the couch to relax and eat while spencer slept and you'll never guess it, I knocked over an entire glass of orange juice all over the couch and me. Bummer. Now on to finish laundry, just to find a load that got left in the wash for oh only 18 hours. No big deal! Ha so after I finish that I need to make time for shopping. this means that I need to get my shopping list together so that we have food...I'll get on that.

And to add to the trouble out computer broke yesterday. The cord is dead. Fried. And at first it wasn't a big deal. I just figured I'd finish my long assignment on our old desktop computer. Then it dawned on me. You know a couple days ago when I was working on this assignment?? Yeah it's saved to that computer. This assignment that I have only one question left ( that took me an hour and a half to find and do) is sitting there helplessly on my computer. Great. Now what?? The little devil on my shoulder is telling me just not to turn in that assignment. Buy that's not going to happen. So in the midst of the things going on today, I need to find a way and motivation to finish that...I know I can do it. I just don't want to do it again. It's a major bummer.

And last of all making today so great? We got a bill from our pediatrician. Apparently we are having insurance problems too. So like I was saying last time I wrote, trying to save for a house is going to have to be pushed off a little bit. In fact we may not be able to get one for a while. So sad!

Sorry for the negativity. We went to the temple yesterday. I had the best night spending time with my family and Ashley and Shaun! It's such a different spirit being at the temple. It's wonderful. I prayed all week that Satan wouldn't make it so that we didn't go to the temple because it was something we really wanted to do. I guess this is Satans way of getting his way into my life. Gotta focus on what's important and try to remember that none of the stuff bothering me is all that important. Just part of having trials. And you know what? Remembering that makes all the Angry feelings so much easier to cope with. Well off to start my day in hopes of turning it around. Wishing for a productive day!

Positively...

...Exhausting? worthwhile? time consuming? ALL OF THE ABOVE!

I have been trying to keep up with my schoolwork the past couple of nights. I feel like all of my motivation has gone out the window. Why did I decide to do this again?? I'm doing my best but this online teacher is ridiculous! Great...another crazy lady. Why does ratemyprofessor.com always lie to me?? But seriously, and then it hits me.....

I have another class starting after spring break. Yup all motivation gone. Those two associate degrees that seemed so close last semester have gotten more distant. Maybe i'll do just one class at a time. Or pick easier classes. Frick.

Don't get me wrong. I feel super blessed that I can even go to school.

Its fun to hear all the older people say how much they would love to go back to school.

Quite frankly, all of you out there...you all say that until you get there and then BAM. Now you remember why you stopped in the first place. Ha!

Now all joking aside, i'm trying to start budgeting better. We've done pretty good so far, we've just been realizing that we have less than a year to find a place to live.

I'm not ready to be homeless just yet.

So in order for that to happen we have to be saving something.

Where we can get that money from I'm still working on but, If we can save something I know we will be so much less stressed towards the time when we have to move.

Derek and me have been discussing finances a lot lately and we have prayed about how derek really needed a raise. He felt like he was working so hard, for little to show for it. So after a night of frustration and prayers, he went into work and he got a raise. less stress there! And they said that they want to raise him again in a couple months. Answer to prayers??

I think so!

I've been trying really hard not to compare our situation to other peoples'.

It's been hard, but i have found that focussing on us helps so much better.

It is wasted energy if I'm always worrying about what everyone else is doing or where they are at. I'm proud of myself for not letting jealousy overcome me. That has been a blessing to us too.

Spring cleaning next week and I'm super excited. Got my list all ready to go. :)

Time to get back to homework. Blah.

The life of a stay at home mom.

This week has been a really trying week for me as a mom. First starting off the weekend with the flu, then passing it to Derek. And then spencer getting it. How in world do you take care of a baby who needs a diaper change ever 20 minutes, or comfort him when he's coughing so hard he pukes, or wakes up multiple times.a night: when you feel like death. I had no energy and was puking myself, and how did I deal with it?? Lots of prayers to give me the strength. Putting my son first trying to make him as comfortable as he could as his little body was suffering. I did something that I never thought I could do! I think Heavenly father blessed me and Derek that we would get better really fast to take care of him. I HATE seeing my baby like this. I can't wait till these little teeth come through so that we can re adjust his schedule! I feel so blessed for all the help and support from friends and family during that time too! They helped with spency and helped me know what I should do! It's hard being a first time mom! ( talk about over reacting to everything)

We are finally on the uphill I think! It's been a good experience for us but let's be honest, none of us would be sad if it left quickly! Ha I've been trying to start on a goal I had a while ago to read my scriptures everyday. So far I've done good! Derek has helped me a lot with remembering or reading them to me if I didn't have the energy to. He's such an amazing guy. Don't know how I got so lucky. I feel like I'm one step closer to where I want to be. Next step, get back to the temple. It's been over 8 months since we last went. I can't wait! Not only will we have the amazing feeling back in our lives, but I get to share this experience with my family and friends that are going with us. Just overall a great thing that I need to be better about doing!

The last main thing on my mind right now... Having more kids. How do I know when the right time is?? If I wait till I'm ready then I may never be ready. If I wait for a convenient time then it might not ever come. I want a sweet tiny innocent baby in my arms to snuggle and love on. I see other babies and remember how it was. And yet when I see them I feel all the regret for not enjoying it like I should have. I want to be able to do it over to be better and more patient. But when? It may be months from now or years, just something that has been pressing on my mind. When I am privileged with another one, I know I'm going to do so many things differently! Its been fun seeing my baby nephew grow up. I can't wait to meet that baby in one month! I can't believe that I have made it this long without holding or even seeing him in person. I love him. I hope he knows that! So grateful for families. Especially that mine is eternal! Best feeling ever!