Charlotte's Birth...not my favorite birth experience. (Some TMI)

Due to " high blood pressure" (we aren't sure that I ever really had it. Dang machines may have been off), we were scheduled to be induced at 2:30 a.m. on Aug. 28^th. They called at 11:00pm  the night before saying that our induction was put on hold so we decided to get some shut eye. Hoping to get in the next morning, I waited patiently. Derek not so much. He decided to call the hospital to see when we could get in, and they told him that we could come in, in one hour. So we got everything ready and headed over at around 8:45 a.m. At around 9:30 a.m. we finished paperwork and headed back to the room where they got me hooked up on IVs and monitors.

After monitoring for a few minutes, they decided to start with a small pill that would be inserted into my cervix (10:30 am). They warned that it could give me contractions with no progression, but that it would hopefully get things started. At the time I was dilated to 1. It took about 40 minutes to start working, but it definitely brought on contractions! After the first hour in bed, they sent me on a walk for an hour! We decided to use this time to narrow down our name choices. After we walked, they hooked me back up. My contractions were pretty close together (approx. 30 seconds apart). Since I was having so many contractions, they weren’t able to do another pill in my cervix, so we waited a little while longer to see if they would progress at all. By the time they came in and checked again I was all the way to 1.5 cm…So they asked me to do another 1 hour of walking to “see if the contractions would slow down”…that confused Derek and me, because walking is what they have you do to speed things up usually…Anyways we did the next walk and the contractions continued to speed up (contractions every 15-20 seconds) and get stronger in intensity, but weren’t doing much of anything. 

By this time it was around 3 pm. They monitored for another hour or so and then came and checked me again. I was all the way to a 2... ha awesome. So not only was I insanely uncomfortable from walking for two hours, but I was exhausted from not getting a break from my contractions going constantly with 15 seconds in between each one. These weren’t just beginning contractions either. Most of them were off the charts on the monitor. Why weren’t they doing anything?? So the nurse came back in and asked us to go on another hour walk. I wanted to cry. I mean, you run out of things to look at after a certain point.  So we got our stuff ready and walked to fill up my ice cup. Derek stopped to use the bathroom and while I was waiting for him (all 30 seconds) I felt a gush of liquid. Hopeful that my water had broken, I looked down and saw blood dripping onto the floor. Not sure what to do I stood there, and thankfully a nurse came out of one of the rooms by me just as it happened and I asked her what I should do, so she tracked down something to wrap around me. Derek came out of the restroom during all of this and I will never forget his face as he was trying to figure out what was going on. I waddled my way back to my room. I remember thinking SCORE I got out of that walk!!  My nurse decided to check me to see if there was any progress since bleeding can mean cervical change. She said no change in dilation but my cervix was softer now. And that it wasn’t my bag of water so no one was really sure where all that blood came from, but they were hopeful that things were moving along. I remember this being the second time that we asked when we could start Pitocin to get things moving along. They never really explained why, but just said "let's wait and see". So we waited a few more hours. By this point I was getting very uncomfortable and extremely tired. So the next time she came to check on me, I decided to ask to get my epidural so that I could get some rest, as it wasn’t looking like I was going to be having her anytime soon.

By the time that the epidural lady came in at 7 p.m. my contractions were every 10-15 seconds and I was finally dilated to a 4. I was very excited for relief. I was proud of the 8 hours I had done with almost no time in between contractions. Of course she had a hard time getting the epidural in because of my back muscles and positioning. It took her three pokes and me sitting in funny positions to finally get it in. Thankfully I was mostly numb from the shot during these. I was so glad to finally have some relief. Not thinking that now that I was confined to a bed, that they could start the Penicillin for the Group B strep. As she hooked it up to my IV, I remember thinking that it wasn’t as bad as I had read. And then it started going through my veins and I swear they were pouring gasoline into me. It burned insanely bad. So bad that the only relief that I had was to constantly twist and move my arm. So now I had relief from my contractions but I wasn’t able to get any rest from my IV. They kept telling me that I needed to fall asleep, but I literally couldn’t. So I at least rested my eyes while Derek slept. He was a trooper and walked the whole time with me and decided to stay with me instead of going home with the kids while I wasn’t progressing.

Anyways, we noticed on the monitor that my contractions had slowed down significantly from the epidural, so sometime in the night I remember asking again about Pitocin. I knew that as soon as it started my body would do its thing. I’ve used it with the other two kids so knew that my body responded well to it and was frustrated that it had taken this long for them to even start it. The nurse went and got a bag and hung it on my IV stand, but didn’t hook it up. She left for a couple hours and when she came back she still didn’t hook it up. They checked me for dilation once during the night and I don’t remember exactly what I was at, but I remember it being around a 6. I was grateful that I was progressing but didn’t like how slow it was. Right after she left, I got super nauseous and started barfing so they gave me a couple of doses of Zofran to help with that! I think around 4 a.m. they finally started me on Pitocin and like we had assumed it sped everything right up.

At 6:30 ish on Aug. 29th, I remember feeling like something had changed. Not sure if it was pressure or not because I was so numb, she checked me. I was right. I was at a 10, with my bag of water bulging but baby not being as low as they would like. Yay! I was so excited to be so close!! So I asked the nurse if we could get the doctor to break my water so that we could get baby to drop and, you know, have this baby! No joke, she said, “You can actually stay with the bag of water bulging for up to 4 hours” then left the room……….Derek and I just kept saying “are you kidding me???” thankfully it only took 4 minutes for my water to break on its own. That's the weirdest feeling ever! Just like with Kelsie, they put me on Oxygen because she started to be in distress with each contraction. The on call doctor came in soon after that and quickly got ready! We started pushing at about 7:24 and by 7:26 she was out! It took two pushes. I honestly thought we were practice pushing and she came out during those.  5 lb. 13 oz and 18 ¼ inches long!

I'm so glad that she is here, but man that isn't anything like I had imagined it going. I'm super excited that we share the same birthday and that she's such a fun baby. She's perfect. 

Life just happened, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Nothing like falling off the blogging world for a  little while. Here's the scoop. We had our baby girl! I guess its finally time I write about the birth and how AMAZING it all went! No worries. No gross details. :) So I had my membranes stripped twice. Twice this time. And nothing. It did absolutely nothing this time. Talk about a disappointment! So we tried everything we heard about to get Kelsie out. Tons of walking. Squats, I spent days on an exercise ball, pressure points, and "hubby time". Why was nothing working?? Of course it would be because she didn't want to be out yet. Which is fine, except I wasn't taking no for an answer. The morning of March 26th, the contractions started about every 10 minutes and stayed that way for about two hours and from there it only got closer and stronger! But strangely I was rocking the contractions! I used the hypnobirthing techniques and let me tell you it was bomb. Still not easy taking care of an almost two year old while having contractions every few minutes though, so my mom came over to help me. Around 1 p.m. they got to 1-2 minutes apart and they were pretty strong but honestly I was still talking and laughing through most of them. It was soooo odd. Totally different experience than with Spencer! But since they were so close, my mom told me I probably should call Derek to come home just in case. So I did and no joke he said, " Okay do I have time to finish a few things here at work??" So I let him and didn't tell him how close they were Until he got home at 2 p.m. and from there I told him I still didn't feel terrible but when I called my OB, she was already at the hospital so the front desk told me I should just go in and that they would make sure I was admitted. So we went and in triage, they checked me and sure enough I was dilated to a 6!! A 6 and still smiling and talking. It was great, but I made the decision to get the epidural and the main reason I did was because my MIL and 2 SILs would be in the room with me, so I thought it would be better than swearing profanities while they were there. ;) From there everything happened so fast! by 6:30 I was ready to push and within 5-10 minutes of pushing she was out!! So perfect and beautiful. I was in love. I'm so grateful for the better birthing experience this time. No episiotomy, No tearing, recovery was a breeze, and I was lifting and walking normal the next day! Now that I've had it both ways, I hope the rest stay easy. ha!! But really having Kels has been the best. She is an absolutely perfect baby. So happy all day and always so full of life! We have had our challenges with her, being in the hospital twice and it taking 6 months of waking up 5+ times a night to finally get her sleeping through the night, but I finally feel like we're at a good place! Sorry it has taken so long to write about her and how wonderful she is. Every day I thank God for her. She is my best friend. I laugh with her, I cry with her, She makes me better. I'm starting to feel like I'm finding the joy in being a mother. Sad to say it's taken this long, but I'm so glad I do get to enjoy it. I love my Spencer and Kelsie.

I'm back

After what feels like an eternity I am back! So much has happened recently! I know I am in the middle of my 30 day challenge about me, and I promise I will get back to it, but first I decided I need to write about my kids. I'm going to go back a few years an write down everything I can remember about spencer and his birth. (For the records, and so that when spencer or his future family asks questions, I'll be able to go back and have specific details instead of guessing and getting all my kid's info mixed up. So here goes: it was early Saturday morning and we were nervous and excited! At 10 a.m. I knew I would be getting my membranes stripped per my request to my doctor! Everyone had told me it would hurt but I had no idea how bad. I guess that was a good thing. Immediately following that I started having contractions since I was dilated to a three when Dr. Holmes stripped them! They were happening every 1-3 minutes the whole time. As a first time mom the contractions were unbearable! I couldn't handle each one, and was scared and unsure at what point to go to the hospital since my contractions were so close together! So we waited. I tried to get my mind off of things, and as much as I thought I was dying, they ALWAYS got worse! I was definitely as prepared as I should have been for real labor! So at about 1 or 2 p.m. I sat there crying so Derek called the doctor and he told me to go ahead to the hospital if they were that bad. So off we went! That was the absolute worst car ride of my life!! Every bump I wanted to hit Derek in the face! But I didn't. ;) so we get to the hospital and they send me to triage where they hooked me up to all the crazy machines they monitored me for about an hour since I was only at a three and a half in dilation!! Seriously?! All that pain and I only got a measly half centimeter! So after they realized I wasn't progressing they sent me on the dreaded walk around the hospital for an hour. So boring and tedious, but they made the contractions stronger so it had to be doing something!

We then get back to the bed and hooked up to more machines and they come in to check me and bam, no progress. So they tell me that although I'm in labor it's not progressing fast enough, so they send me home. How do you have a bawling pregnant mom that is having contractions every two minutes and have the nerve to send them home! So we do as they say and go home. I go home and take a bath and try to eat a granola bar and after three hours of that I knew they were getting stronger and I could barely breathe or talk through my contractions. So we decided to take the risk and go back in. So now it's 7 p.m. And they hook up the monitors again and come in and check me, to find I'm finally at a 4.5 dilation! Wow a whole centimeter, but I was considered in active labor so they admitted me! When they came asking if I wanted an epidural, after all I had been through that day I decided I needed a rest. So I did it. Definitely wasn't as bad as everyone described. And the relief was AMAZING! I was able to sleep and not feel a thing! Only thing was, I still wasn't progressing. Not that I cared anymore since I was numb. About two hours after being admitted, dr Holmes came in and broke my water, which was the weirdest feeling ever. So much pressure relieved and so much liquid. But he said that it would be about six hours till we have our sweet boy there. So we wait and wait. The nurse comes in and tells me I'm still just not progressing much so they get the okay to start me on pitocin and tell me that this is normal since I'm a first time mom. By this point it's 10:30 p.m. And I am exhausted so they tell me to get some sleep! (Not sure how its possible when they check on you every 30 minutes) but I did fall asleep and the pitocin started working so I started dilating pretty quick. About 12:30 the dr come in to check me and I'm at a nine so we knew it would be pretty soon! Still I went back to sleep! And at 1 a.m. They came in and checked and I was fully dialated and ready to push since the head was "right there." So they called the dr and about 20 minutes he was there and I pushed for about 25 minutes (mainly because I was puking in the middle of it) and then there he was! Born at 1:45 a.m. In all his glory, my little boy was here. I was in a daze. Exhausted from the labor and not really sure what had just happened, I just tried to soak it all in. This wrinkly 6 lb. 3 oz boy was my new life. 20 inches long and just a beautiful baby boy. I had no idea just what he would put me through in life, but I knew he was mine and that's all that mattered!

And now flash forward, this little guy will be two in 3 days! 3days!? It has been the fastest, slowest two years of my life. But we'll talk more about him in a couple of days.

Can't believe how far my family has come!

Dream job

So sorry for taking so long to do the next post! Life keeps getting in the way if you know what I mean! Proud to say we are finally almost done unpacking! It's taken a long time, but just a couple more boxes to go through and some pictures to hang! Just in time for baby girl to arrive. Which just a heads up, could be within the next two weeks! Sounds crazy right?? Yeah I'm in shock over it!!

Okay well today's post is about my dream job. If you were to ask me what my dream job was 4 or 5 years ago, I would say hands down a receptionist at a health place like physical therapy or a dr office. But after doing that for over a year, I realized actually doing the physical therapy was much more fun than all the paperwork... But that isn't the same dream that I have now after becoming a mom, of almost two kids! Crazy. So I decided that I would love to be able to have basically any job that would allow me to be home all day with my loves. What I really want is a computer job that I never would have to do phone calls with. One that was flexible, but still good paying. I don't do well with having lots of papers all over and with kids it's hard to do too much more, but I know that my duty and what I want to be doing is raising and nurturing my kids first, with making money part time on the side! I just know that I would love to help Derek not have to stress about finances so much, with him starting asu in a few months. But even if I never find anything like that, I know that I am able to live my ultimate dream job of being the person my kids call mom. Nothing beats that... Now if only my almost two year old would actually say "mom" things would be different. Lol One day he'll decide he wants to talk. Haha!

Up next: what are 5 passions I have. This one may be a toughy! Ha

My 3 wishes.

Yeah bear with me, been a busy week and havent had any time to keep up on my computer stuff! so excited for when it finally gets organized again! Wouldn't it be great if we really did have a genie that would grant us any three wishes that we wanted?? Well my 3 wishes would be something along these lines...

My first wish: that Derek would find a job that he loved and that paid really good. I don't want to be super wealthy. I don't think wishing for a billion dollars is the way to go either. I am a strong believer in working for what we want, which is why I would want him to have a Great job. Full time, sick days, vacation days, paternity leave, reasonable hours, salaried job. Ha one day I hope that happens for us. :) I don't think that's too extreme of a wish!

My second wish: for people to be more respectful to each other! Seems like so much of the world now a days is lazy, unhappy, and they seem to take their frustrations out on each other. I really think if we all took the time to smile more and be less selfish, trips to the grocery store would be more bearable, standing in line at the bank wouldn't be such a hastle, there would be far less bullying and kids would learn these traits and continue to pass them on. It all starts with us parents. What kind of kids do you want to raise?

My third wish: houses cleaned themselves. I know that wouldn't teach us anything but I know I would find much more time to spend with my family if the chores didnt stack up! This wish probably is being influenced by the fact that I have boxes in every room that need unpacking and cleaning that needs to happen too, but I am sure that if my house cleaned itself after spencer made the mess, my energy level would be way higher! One can hope at least! ;)

Next post: what is my dream job? And why!

If you're happy and you know it...

So I decided not to do the typical 5 things. It's pretty obvious, that my family makes me happy, having a testimony makes me happy, sugar makes me happy, sleep makes me happy...lots of things make me happy. So here are the five less talked about topics that truly do make me happy!

5 things that make me happiest:

5. Surprises. Who doesn't love a surprise. I'm not very good at reacting well to them, and sometimes they even freak me out, but if its a good surprise then it's a good story at least of me looking dumb, especially in front of a bunch of people. The best surprises are the ones I don't know anything about. Poor Derek has a hard time surprising me. For some reason I tend to figure some parts out or completely ruin the surprise! Lol

4. When things go my way. I have found the past couple of years that being in control makes my life so much more smooth, resulting in better days! Having kids I don't get to be in control too much, since you can't plan every little detail out. Something unexpected always comes up with kids. But when things do go how I want it makes me super happy. Like finishing a craft! When it turns out how you invisioned it or even better, that's the best! Satisfaction of knowing you did that.

3. Going on vacation. Going out of town is so much fun! To the beach, to the woods, just to a hotel in town... You name it i love it! Can't wait till Derek gets out of school so that we can do some traveling again! :)

2. Getting new clothes! And not like hand me downs or anything like that. I'm talking shopping and finding an outfit that fits perfect and looks great too! What's even better than that is finding it on sale! Every shoppers dream right?!

1. This last one may be kind of silly, but getting out of debt! When I pay off a credit card I am the happiest girl ever! Knowing that I am one step closer to living more comfortably, it's such a great feeling!! I can't wait until we are debt free. I guess we'll have a short period of time with no debt before the student loans start for Derek! Baby steps!!

Next entry: if I were given any three wishes, what would I wish for?

Just a little side note: spencer finally said thank you today. Not very clear but I was excited to hear something other than uh-oh and ow and nuh-uh. This is a big deal coming from the kid who I'm pretty sure has no desire to talk and would rather go around throwing tantrums hoping I'll catch on to what he is trying to communicate. Love that little boy, even if all I do is hear stories about how good kids his age are already talking! We love any improvements! This kid has so much personality it's nuts! Can't wait to see how baby girl will be! Also can't believe we move in one week from tomorrow and she could be here within 6 weeks! Talk about crazy. :) so so excited! She was cuter than ever in the ultrasound I had today! My favorite part was seeing her little lips move. Pretty sure she was blowing me kisses for valentine's day, even though the nurse said she was just practicing sucking. Lol So happy!

To my younger self.

Let's see, today is about what I would tell my 16 year old self, if I could. What better way then a list of 10 things?

1. Don't be so focused on yourself. It doesn't matter what you look like every day. Take some of the time and energy you put into making yourself look good, and go out and make someone else feel good. It will make your days better and also change the lives of others!
2. Smile more. Come on, you are 16... What do you have to worry about? Figure out what is most important to you in your life and make sure they make you happy. No point in going through life unhappy and negative all the time.
3. School will only get harder. Don't look for the easy way out of things, it won't teach you anything and you will end up slowing yourself down later on. Push on and learn as much as you can. One day you won't be in school anymore, but your intellect will always be something up have.
4. It's not about how many dates you go on. So what if your friends are getting asked on dates all the time. Your time will come. And if waiting is too hard, go and do something about it, go ask boys out, make a fun time, instead of just sitting and moping about what you could be doing. It will only make you think something is wrong with you and kill yor self esteem anyways! Go out and have a good time.
5. Be a better role model to your young women girls. So many of these little beehives look up to you, and many of them will shape their lives based off of what they see you doing. Never ditch church, never give a teacher attitude, and don't allow yourself to be in places that the spirit can't be. After all, these girls really look up to you.
6. It's great to have best friends, but make time for your family too. Don't be upset and mom and dad when they set rules or tell you that you need to stay with the family tonight. It's okay to be sad, but be understanding and respectful in that they know what they are doing. One day you will understand why they set the rules they did. You will be grateful for them!
7. Take the extra time and energy into making sure you believe in something. Your whole life you have been raised in the church, but it's up to you, to Know if you believe in it. No one can make you have an opinion or belief in something. It will help you out later if you can strengthen the testimony that you have now. Even though you may think it's small, you believe so much of the church you just have to decide for yourself that you want it in your life.
8. Exercise. Not just to be healthy. It is a habit that will be way harder to get into when you have kids. Get in the habit now of taking care of your body and I promise you will feel better mentally and physically.
9. Keep your room clean always. It's so easy to be messy and with so much stuff it is hard to find a place for it all the time, but you won't have an excuse when you get your own house one day. Your husband won't appreciate the mess and your life will feel more cluttered than it needs to. It doesn't have to be spotless, but don't just fling laundry and your school work everywhere. Organize your life!
10. Last but not least, you are going to be sad. You are going to feel alone and that "no one likes you". NONE of that is true. You have friends that do care. You have family that loves you more than anything. And most importantly, you have a Heavenly Father who is just trying to teach you a lesson. Get down on your knees as often as you can, but especially when you feel like no one is there. Life is hard. It's not meant to be easy. Everyone has hard times, and we are all learning how to deal with the things that are thrown our way. You don't have to wait till you are home to pray. You can pray in your car, pray in your heart. You aren't alone in life ever. Sometimes you need to try extra hard to get an answer to prayers and even when you feel like your prayers haven't been answered, keep trying. Sometimes the answer is no, but those times I'm convinced that Heavenly Father sends a sense of comfort to help when the answer isn't what we want to hear. Stay strong, you have so much to look forward to in your life. You are an amazing young woman.

Love,
Alana

Tomorrow: 5 things that make me happy.

For better or worse.

Today's post is all about Derek. Okay and maybe a little bit of me in there too. It's about us. My relationship with Derek has been typical. We have our highs, we have our lows. Most couples do! There are things we rock at (like watching tv and always saying I love you) but there are also things that have been a work in progress (making time for date nights, communicating, budgeting) the lists go on and on. But through all of it, he has remained my very best friend. He tries his hardest to make sure I'm happy. He works really hard to make sure we can pay all the bills! This guy is incredible right? Since I've done the whole mushy love love posts about him before, I'm going to take a different spin on how mine and Derek's relationship is. No need to panic, yes I still love him with my whole heart. I just want to let you guys into our world a little more. (None of this is meant to embarrass you honey, if you read this)! I apologize in advance for the novel.

Derek and I met technically through friends but we started talking to each other on the infamous Facebook. The first night we talked, he got my number and we started texting. A lot. I was a text addict and would stay up really late texting, but usually I was the one that fell asleep on our conversations first! Ha oops. So a few days after we "cyber-met" I agreed to a date with him. Went to the AZ science center and then out for ice cream. It was a chill date and went super smooth. We continued talking, and I thought it would be fun to take him out instead, so I planned a picnic and ice blocking and we spent the day at the park. He seemed to enjoy himself and I found myself getting really excited (butterflies) every time he texted or called or asked me on a date. And from there it escalated as usual. Holding hands, first kiss, more kissing... Ya I knew I liked this guy a lot. I always had fun, I got along with his family, we hit it off... Sweet. So a few months down the road he proposed and well duh I said yes. We prepared for a wedding and I went crazy. Partly blaming stress, mostly blaming birth control. I was emotional all the time, I couldn't get a grip on things and I felt myself losing it. BUT Derek always was there. He may have laughed at my immaturity, he may have cried with me, no matter what I was freaking out over this time he never left me. *bonus points for him* so I knew if he loved me through this, there's no way he's not the guy for me. So we got married. :) That's when life started speeding and getting overwhelming and when we started learning things I didn't think I ever needed to.

After we got married, three months in we got pregnant. Okay well now the birth control isn't making me crazy, the pregnancy was. (My poor hubby)...Derek went through so many jobs and so many hour cuts and I got laid off from my job. The whole thing was overwhelming but we did the best we could. What more could we do? We had our normal silly fights about things but nothing major, we just tried to enjoy everything as much as we could. Emotionally for me, it was a really hard time! I felt stressed all the time, I felt sick on top of that. It was not fun. But I knew I loved my husband and was so glad that he was in it with me. Everything seems better when you don't feel alone.

So we endured through and little spencer was born. I went through post pardum depression and had a hard time transitioning into motherhood. I felt like I was clueless and that I wasn't prepared like I should have been. But we pushed through like always. I was so happy for our little family, but truly regretted not having more time with my husband. Who was this guy? How was he coping with everything? As thrown into life as I felt, this man now had to work twice as hard and keep going to school, keep dealing with a wife that cried all the time, adding a newborn on top of that? Geez no wonder he was exhausted all the time. And this annoying part of me was still mad at the fact that he didn't help at certain times when I wanted it. I felt like all my needs weren't taken care of since all of my needs and wants didnt matter any more. I was now 100% devoted to making sure my son was taken care of. When in fact looking back, I should have saved some of me for Derek. Even if that means pushing past 100% to 130%. He deserved that much at least. Well, we live and learn. I guess that's when I really learned to say sorry. Why is a part of us so selfish at times? Looking back I know that's not how I wanted to be, so thank heavens we have an eternity to work on things!

A move and a few years later, we are expecting our second baby. This one was planned and although it has been exhausting for everyone, we have learned even more about parenting and finances, the Importance of communication and in watching our actions. So many lessons that have been learned and struggles that we have been through, but in the end my husband is Always right by my side.

I mean wanna hear a little of what he puts up with? Crazy tantrum thowing spencer, on top of this exhausted lazy wife that doesn't cook, or clean, or do laundry. What a mental picture of what my house would look like right?! But no... Derek gets home from work or school or church and start doing those things I either couldn't or didn't do. This man is amazing, but sometimes it makes me feel like the crappiest wife ever. Now on top of all of those normal parts of life: cooking, cleaning, etc. let's add a move in there. So let's pack the whole house in a few short weeks and keep up with the housework, and try to be the best mom to spencer and allow my insides to become a punching bag for the little girl that is stealing all of my energy! Let's throw a sign up saying: don't judge, we're doing the best we can. But seriously.

And this is the part that i have been feeling terrible about. Derek is still in school. He works every day he isn't in school except Sunday, I can't expect him to pick up my slack anymore. I have got to snap out of this bubble I am in and realize that I can do better! I can always do more. First thing to go, my afternoon naps while spencer naps. As much as I think I need them, we're running out of time. Next thig to go? My negativity. The hardest part about these next few weeks, isn't the packing. Or the cleaning. Or even spencer. It's that Derek will be gone more than usual. So in this huge house project, I feel like my best friend isn't able to be there. I feel terrible for feeling so needy towards him. Because you know what? Everything he is doing is for me. How childish am I?! So when we get in our arguments about time management, I can't expect him to make more hours in his day. All I can do is hope that eventually one day life will slow down enough that we can go back to enjoying everything about it.

This isn't a pity post. It isn't so that I can remember how hard life was, it's a reminder for me. It's a reminder of where mine and Derek's relationship has gone. As awesome as it would be to have the perfect schedule and the perfect life, I love the important things in my life. My family, my friends, and the savior. At the end of the day, what do we have to complain about, if you have those things around you. I have a lot to learn about being a wife, and a mom, and a friend, but I am SO SO grateful that I married Derek almost three years ago. BEST decision of my life.

Next will be: a list of 10 things I would tell my 16 year-old self, if I could.

Biggest fears!

Well it's a new day. My post today is about my three biggest fears and how they became fears! Some of these fears are pretty common and some are bizarre but either way, they are what makes me, me.

My first fear is one that my close family and friends hear about way too often. It's my fear of taking pills. I have tried over and over again to over come this, and I mean I have taken pills before so I know it's something I can do, just mentally my brain doesn't allow me to put liquid in my mouth and just swallow like a normal person. It tells me panic now. Throat closes. Body refuses. Totally awesome. Made taking birth control pills and antibiotics a blast when I needed to. Ha the only thing I can think is that the two times I swallowed life savers whole and choked has scarred me for the rest of my life. I hope they have liquid/chewable alternatives to every medications and vitamin that I will ever need to take!

My second fear is that something will happen to my family when I'm not near them. I don't want anyone else's stupidity to permanently injure or take from me, the thing that means the most to me. I don't want to be that mom who gets a phone call that something has happened. Every time I talk to Derek when he's leaving to or from school, work, the grocery store, pretty much anywhere, I always end with please drive safe, I love you. Not that I don't trust his driving, I don't trust the stupid people on the road around him. With all of the shootings and killings in schools and banks, it's adding to my fear and gives me anxiety to the point that I don't want my kids going anywhere if I can't be with them to do my best to protect them. All moms understand that one... Never realized how hard it is to let kids grow up and try new things, even if it means they could get hurt.

My last fear is of failing. Not in school although that stinks too, I mean in life. When all is said and done in this life, was what I did enough? Did I teach my kids the right ways to live and did I teach them about what matters most in life? Did I teach them about Heavenly Father and his plan? Did I teach them how to respect and how to be good parents one day themselves? It's scary, that how I act directly affects how they will be. Who I teach them about, will be who they know. That's a lot of pressure. Who wants to look back and only see what you could have done better? I'm afraid that I haven't repented enough, haven't been kind enough, haven't given my very best... But when I'm in the moment, screaming at spencer for something he did wrong, I don't know how to change that. I guess that's where practice comes in. I'm sure most first time moms feel like failures one time or another right? Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. But being a great wife and mom is even harder. I guess thank heavens for good examples and for books that help give new ideas to try. I'm learning quickly how to say sorry. I'm learning how to live off of little sleep. It's all a learning process, I just never imagined how hard that process actually was. To all you moms out there... You make it look so easy. I know it's probably not, a walk in the park every day, but I sure do appreciate hearing stories about how common it is for us to "lose it" and to hear how their kid threw the biggest tantrum in the middle of the grocery store. Makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone in my insanity. :)

These fears may seem silly, and maybe they are! I right now I know three things from these fears though. I like to chew before swallowing, I love my family more than anything else in the world, and I am always striving to be better. I want my best to be good enough.

Up next: describing my relationship with my spouse. I'm excited for that one! :)

20 random facts about me.

Recently I was reading a blog that gave me a great idea for a few posts. It was titled 30 things my kids should know about me. So I'm going to give it a shot! Today's post is 20 random facts about me. Be patient with my blogging, it's a busy time with moving and stressing about baby coming in less than two months: So it may take me longer than 30 days to do this, but I'll do my best. ;)

1. I thought I would never get married.
2. I have an obsession with eating ice.
3. I am in no way an animal person.
4. I never was a yeller when I was angry until I had kids. (Which I'm working on really hard to stop)
5. I love to travel. Staying in hotels is the best!
6. Since I was very little, I have had the biggest sweet tooth. I have eaten so much candy in my life I'm probably lucky I still have all my teeth! LOL!
7. I care way too much about what people think of me.
8. For the last couple years I have been perfecting my nail painting skills. I love trying new designs and I love even more when they turn out how I want!!
9. Sometimes I wish I had the time to be crafty. Not like drawing crafty, you know all those fun wood projects or sewing or cricut things. There's just not enough time in my day!
10. I have a terrible habit of leaving my bobby pins all over the house.
11. I love fashion but feel like I can't pull off many other looks than the one I have already established. Ha
12. I love smelly soaps and candles, but not the super sugary smelling ones. I'd rather have cinnamon and spices or certain flowers or tropical smells.
13. I'd rather snack all day then have big meals.
14. I love camping and being outdoors and hope to be able to go again sometime soon!
15. I can't swallow a pill for the life of me.
16. I love lip gloss and Chapstick but only the kind that taste good. Haha
17. I can't wait to own our own house and get to decorate it how ever I want!!
18. I miss the beach. Haven't been in almost three years. Which leads into the next one:
19. I love getting sun burnt. Not to the point that you can't move it hurts so bad. Just the point when you can see a distinct tan line. This is a terrible thing and hope it doesn't come back to haunt me later on!!
20. I am very competitive and have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong! So silly.

Stay tuned! Next post will be: 3 legitimate fears that I have that and how they became fears.

Forever

I'm probably the worst blogger ever. Haha! I feel like I haven't had time for anything lately! So I'll squeeze in a few words as I eat my lunch today! :) well this pregnancy has been way better than my last one! I've still have sick days but they are becoming further apart which has been so helpful! Along with the zofran! Life is good!

Spencer is still cute as ever but has the personality of a three year old. Tantrums galor, screaming at the top of his lungs just because its fun, and many more things. Problem is? This boy refuses to talk! I'm not worried about his development because he is doing everything else amazingly! He still is able to communicate just wont use his words to do so! Ha except for dog. He says that word 836 times a day it feels like! Haha talking or not I love him just the same! I love how sweet he is when he comes and watches a movie curled up next to me! He may not have been a cuddly baby but he's made up for it with how he is now. Me and Derek both love it. :)

Our other exciting news about baby #2! It's a girl! We were pretty sure that it was before the ultrasound and boy were we right! There she was in all er glory! The little stinker wouldn't hold still for anything! Ha it was cute! I'm so so thankful to my dr for letting us do it a week early! It was a fun surprise for our families to show them the DVD of baby girl! Now the fun begins with trying to pick a name, and helping organize baby shower and resisting the temptation to buy all things girl. Man I am stoked!!! If this one doesnt look like me. I've decided I'm going to accept the fact that all of our children will look like Derek. Which is fine with me. :) I think he's pretty handsome! ;) I'm just so excited!

At the dr yesterday first of all, I gained 4 pounds! You all can laugh at me now but with how much I weighed from being sick, this is a HUGE accomplishment! I have never in my life gained 4 pounds in one month. Felt pretty good. ;) on my way to being a normal weight instead of lighter than most jr high kids! Lol and second of all, my dr said we can expect to meet her a couple weeks early if we choose by getting membranes stripped again if we choose! It's very tempting seeing as I don't really want to be in the hospital on Easter weekend. :) we are going to hope for somewhere around march 22! I'm happy with anytime but basically if we go by this date. I'm halfway done! Haha time to save up to buy me my hypnobabies book! Gotta prepare better this time!

Thanks for all the love and support! We are stoked and can't wait for some of the upcoming milestones!! :)

Tiny heartbeats.

You guys, today was incredible. There is something about hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time that overwhelms you. There's something else about hearing your baby's heartbeat that you thought you lost weeks before! Those little galloping horse sounds And knowing that everything will be okay! :) I'm not one to cry at appointments. I just get really giddy and happy. I seriously wish I could record that sound to listen to it over and over again.

We made it to 10.5 weeks! It has been quite the challenge so far! Morning sickness all the time basically sucks. It makes for a tired and underweight mother. But I am so grateful that I had so much help while I was on partial bed rest! I'm pretty sure spencer appreciated it too, because I am positive he is sick of tv and movies. :) I am in love with my little family. I cant wait to see our new baby in a couple months via ultrasound, but it will be magical. As for now, I am going to bask in the Zofran that my dr gave me and I can't wait to see if it helps so that I can get gaining some of the lost weight back!

I think the most credit of all goes to my husband right now though. The man works 39 hours a week, goes to school and then comes home, cooks, cleans, puts spencer to bed. The man deserves a break. I'm just trying to think of the correct way to surprise him on a tight budget. I'm so so thankful I have him and I know none of this has been easy, but he hasn't complained once. I sure love that guy.

I know everything has been about the weather on peoplez blogs lately but can I just say, the rain all day has made for an even better day! Doors open and sounds and smells of rain coming in. I can't wait till fall and winter! :)

I know...I'm Awesome!

Well lets just say I have officially been able to put writing off until the very last minute. Procrastinating again. :) Lots has happened since my last uh...Baby hungry post! ha. To start, ironically, we found out that we are pregnant! haha After trying for about 5 months we finally were able to! It has been a long journey since then! I am almost 8 weeks along and sicker than I'd like to be. This is a never ending nausea that haunts me morning, afternoon, and night time. I have absolutely no relief unless I am asleep. It is completely awesome!! But I can't complain. I mean I new this would happen and I was ready for it! (Was is the key word there) ha hopefully only one more month and things will start to go back to normal for us. I still can't believe that in about 7 months I will be a mom of two! This is crazy talk! But I also know it is what I should be doing. Nothing in the world makes me happier than my family. I'm not perfect, we as a family aren't perfect, but we are giving it our all and learning as we go on! It's all part of the adventure we are on.

Spencer's milestones for the month are:
1. Saying mom!! Yay!!
2. Learning how to open our doors. Perfect right?? There goes all privacy and thank heavens for door locks!
3. Learned how to climb onto the furniture and fall off! he does both all day long and has fun scaring me to death.
4. He learned that if he screams really loud and high, it  makes a funny noise. He learned it also makes mom freak out a little when it happens during sacrament meeting. Haha
5. He figured out how to pop the glass open on our entertainment center where all our dvds are hidden. He also learned that when he pops the cd's out of the cases it makes a loud pop. Here goes the age of dvd's getting ruined. HA

I've also recently started writing 5 things I have been most thankful for each day. To sum up the last two or three days I've written:

• 1. Spencer cut another tooth finally! 2. I haven't felt like death today. 3. I have awesome family that bring me cravings when I want it. 4. Fafsa has started coming in which means paying off some more debt! 5. The weather is amazing today!

• 1.got a new computer today! 2. Got to spend the whole day with Derek. 3. Didn't have to make dinner! (thanks Janet) 4. Had a sweet moment with spencer as I put him to bed. I love when he is giggly. 5. I am so grateful for air conditioning and the comfort that it is!!

1. Husband made it to payson safely 2. Spencer went to bed early tonight. 3. Got completely signed up for class 4. Family has been good to me today. 5. It's time for bed finally!

Hopefully this is something I can keep up because I have noticed that with being sick all the time, all I find myself doing is being negative. Well how much fun is that for everyone around me? ha Not much fun at all. I'm super excited for everything that Is coming within the year. Time to start planning and figuring out what needs to happen before the new Baby Funk gets here. :)

 

Busy Baby

Oh My Gosh. Can I just say that I am so baby hungry its not even funny. Why is it that when your youngest child starts acting toddler-ish, that you think oh, I miss having a baby. Not logical right?? Ha Instead we should be thinking wow yeah that stage was nice, but think of how much harder it will be with two. BUT NO! Here I am. Wanting that teeny snuggly baby in my arms. Wanting the experience and the joy that these little rascals bring. I have learned so much about myself and about children in the past year. I love that it doesn't take long for them to learn things and to start copying you. Scary. Time for me to change up my act a little bit. I just can't wait till the timing is right so that we can enjoy another sweet angel in our home. But in the mean time. Baby hungry--go away. There's no time for you right now!

I have been so busy, trying to keep up with my house, a little Tasmanian Devil, and all my hobbies (you know tv, books, eating: the good stuff). I've had a lot of fun trying recipes from pinterest. I can honestly say in the last month I have used 5 food recipes, I made my own laundry detergent that I love, I have cleaned our shower curtain, I have been hanging pictures on my walls like a mad woman, and  I have started a few tricks to help potty training go smoother later. The potty training thing this early was a great experience the first time, but not since! Haha I read that if you start introducing it while they are young it isn't scary later, so when Spencer starts to poop, to let him finish on the potty. Awesome right?? Well I now get to say that he pooped in the potty for the first time! Ha I'm gonna go with coincidence though. Hasn't happened in weeks since. Oh well. I love trying new things. If you guys have any fun things that you have tried lately, I'd love to hear them! :)

Family time.

I've tried writing a couple times this week and nothing I had to say seemed very interesting at the time. I've had so much going on and so many new things happening that it is jumbling up and now I don't know where to even start! Ha As you know we went on a cruise. Such a fun vacation, especially to get out of this heat! We had a blast doing things like walking around the town and going go-cart riding through the mountains in the rain. We got to eat delicious food and enjoy the comfort of people doing everything for you! Ha. All seriousness aside, we did have at least one unpleasant experience. The first day on the ship, you are meant to get settled and enjoy finding your way around the huge ship right?? So while you wait for your luggage to come its all about relaxing and getting food... Well somehow we ran out of diapers in the diaper bag...Great! So we hope and pray that we will make this one diaper last for 5 hours. yikes. 5 minutes later, what does spencer do?? Poo. Thats right he does exactly what we need him not to do. To Make matters worse he had bad diaper rash all day...so I can't just leave him sitting in it. Well we don't have any options. Either we leave him naked running around or leave him in it. Well we chose to let him roam the room commando style. No biggie. one of us stayed with him at all times. Well This only lasted so long. After spencer peeing on me twice and pooping on the floor twice, we really needed the extra packages of diapers in our luggage. We say a quick prayer hoping it will get there before dinner. Nice thought right?? Well to no luck two hours later, the ship alarm starts going off. There was a voice over the intercom, practice emergency where we all needed to go to our emergancy station to know where to go in case we are sinking or anything. Super important. Well what the heck are we supposed to do with this naked baby??? can't take him in a towel, because I don't want to deal with the after affects of that...So my mom mode kicks in and I start coming up with ideas....What would you do?? haha I reach in the diaper bag for the extra onesie I packed for him in case. I'm looking for anything and everything and as soon as I go through the whole bag it hits me.......I have one sanitary napkin  (an always pad)...That is correct I had one stinking option and i had to make it work. So i put that on the inside of his onesie and hope it works and we rush off to our muster station.  Crazy thing is, it worked for the 30 minutes we needed it. *Patting myself on the back now* haha and by the time we got back to our room, there was that GLORIOUS bag that we needed. Never in my life have I been more grateful for diapers and NEVER again will I not pack enough. I love lessons that I learn thigns from...Just wish I could have done a few things a little differently. :) Now that that is out of the way I should probab;y make not that it was so nice being there with my whole family. I'm so grateful for my parents for making it possible! Super fun family vacation. And I mean who doesn't love a vacation with good stories in it?? :)

Now on to the rest of my week. We just got back from a camping trip with my in laws and let me tell you, I love camping! I love being outside. But camping with a toddler is hard. Haha it was a nice break from the heat though. So thankful for summer and all the adventures it has brought us this year! So many memories we have been able to make and I can't wait to make so many more! :)

I had an amazing moment yesterday. You know how growing up all you try to do is to make your parents proud. I never ever wanted to disappoint them. I constantly felt like I did something wrong. But then yesterday happened. My daddy texted me the most sweetest text about how proud of me he is. I was shocked because he doesn normally express things like this and had such a good moment knowing that all my hard work and how far I have come was noticed. Mission accomplished!! I love sweet moments like this!

Wow it has been a while right? Talk about a busy couple of weeks. We have been a family of celebrations this month! First Spencer's big day, then we left for the cruise and were able to celebrate our TWO year anniversary. I know right? Two years!! 

I feel like I owe so much to the man who gives up everything for me. I seriously couldn't have chosen a better man to be with for the eternities. Never in my dreams would I think i would end up with someone like him. Top ten reasons why i love him:

10. He tries his best to do what is right. He helps us to remember to read our scriptures each night. He is willing to use his priesthood whenever it is needed. He has a strong testimony that he doesn't hesitate to share when people present an interest about. 

9. He is still cheesy and corny. He makes jokes to be silly and I appreciate that he hasn't changed his sense of humor. Even though sometimes I am not in the mood to hear the jokes sometimes, I'm still grateful for them. After all its one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place. 

8.He absolutely doesn't care what people think. If he believes in something, he does it because he wants to. Derek doesn't care about looking silly or that people will think he is weird. He is confident. 

7. He has so much music talent. Whether it be from beat boxing, to playing the piano, to singing, to playing guitar hero, this guy does it all. And if he doesn't know how he has the interest to learn. I love when he does things like singing karaoke on the cruise or sits and writes his own songs when he is frustrated with things, My man has talent and loves to share it. 

6. He is teaching me how to communicate. I have never been good about sharing opinions or taking things through when i don't agree. Being married to him I feel so much more comfortable with coming and talking to him about things. It is fun to know that I can trust him and that he cares what I think about things. 

5. He is seriously the greatest dad for Spencer. He is goofy, he helps discipline, and he wants what is best for his little boy. Being a new parent is hard work and I have loved seeing just how much he has grown over the past year. Its not an easy transition, but I honestly don't know anyone else who has handled it so well. 

4. Derek is the hardest worker. He has taken on the motto, don't do anything half heartedly. If you work hard and do what is right, it will pay off. Sometimes the easy way out sounds so appealing, but there is a satisfaction knowing that you did all that you could do earn what you got. 

3. He cleans the house to help me out. I know that I have a hard time keeping up and sometimes things get piled up, the dishes, laundry, bathroom items (makeup, hair products, etc) and he doesn't hesitate to help me out. 

2. This man does whatever he needs to, to provide for out family. At one point in our marriage he took on 4 different jobs! He would wake up early if he needed to. He would stay out late if that meant we were taken care of. Nothing stops him from doing what needs to be done. 

~~**1. The biggest reason why I love my husband is that he cares more about me than anything else in this world. He has given up his friends for me. He has given up his life, to make me happy. Dedicated his time, to doing what I want. Why in the world would someone do that? Especially why would he do it  for an average me, someone who struggles every day to try and be what everyone needs. I honestly have the best husband in the world. I can't wait for all the anniversaries to come! We have so many adventures to come and I am so in LOVE with him. **~~

Next time I post I'll catch up on our vacation and all the fun we had! Overall we are having such a great summer! 

Another year already?!

It's been a year. A year since I went into labor with the boy who would forever change my life. I had no clue that it would take almost an entire day till I could meet him but I also definitely underestimated what was ahead. I can remember telling the doctors I just want him out! I'm ready to meet him. But was I?! Floods of emotions before we went to the hospital. Was I ready?Was it really happening? One of those "ready or not, here i come" moments. I wasn't sure what was going to happen but I knew that I was uncomfortable And that I needed to accept the fact that he was on his way into my life.

I can't believe he turns one tomorrow. Derek said that we should run into Spencer's room at 1:45 in the morning (when he was born) just to show him how it feels to be up at that time in the morning, a taste of what we had to go through. I told him he is more than welcome to do that but he would have to be the one to be up with him when spencer wouldn't go back to bed and that I would rather stay in bed. He's apparently still not over it. Haha spencer has been a miracle to us. The thing that has started roughing our edges a little. He makes us better every single day by simply being him! He tests us in ways I didn't think possible. He helps me with patience and has helped me learn to keep my cool about things that don't matter all that much. I have the privilege of being his mom and that's the best feeling out there! He's one lucky guy and he is going to make such a great big brother some day when the time comes! ( if we can get over this hitting biting stage, at least) ha but anyone that doesn't know spencer needs to. He is a blessing in so many ways.

And I know it's not his birthday quite yet, I just couldn't wait a day knowing that today is the day I found out he would come! Just a day left till we first got to set our eyes on him! A year! He has grown so much and learned so much in a year. He's the cutest little blonde hair blue eyes boy I know. Other than my adorable husband that is. :) this little guy is so friendly and goofy. He wants all the attention and wants to show off his walking, talking, waving. Etc! I love my little boy spencer with my whole heart and can't wait to celebrate his big day with him tomorrow! :) I love you spencer so so much!

My baby isn't anymore.

This week spencer started walking. Not the couple of steps. From couch to couch. Across rooms. Every day he gets better and better! I am so excited for this step but at the same time. That's my baby. My little 6 lb 3 oz. baby. My little pal who I snuggled every day for months. That little baby who tested every bit of patience that I had. Where has the time gone? In about two weeks he turns one. How is that possible?! I want my little snuggle baby back. The one that just laid there staring at me and that slept in my arms. But no. We have moved on to other things. Walking. Babbling about whatever is going on in his little brain. Playing with toys. Getting in to things. It's crazy just how much they grow and develop in a year!

I wonder why it is time goes faster as we get older. When I was a little girl I thought church was all day. Conference lasted forever! School days took eternities! But as I get older, the days became seconds and the year became days. I think it does this so that we learn to appreciate each day and the memories that we have. Because one day we know it will all be different! I'm trying really hard to be the mom who keeps her cool when she wants to rip her hair out. The kind of mom that turns mistakes and unpleasant opportunities into teaching and learning moments. I've had a lot weighing on my mind as I think about the future... How will my kids ever want to be happy if I'm not? I need to find the happiness that I once had! Not to say I'm not happy now. Things are good! I just want to be a positive person. One that can only see the good in everyone and make a difference. You know!?

Baby steps. I am so blessed and even though I have no idea what heavenly father has in mind for the rest of my family's life, I'm learning that I have to trust that he will take care of me and place me where I need to be. Especially as spencer gets older. The thought of having more kids becomes a thought again. I'm finally at a place that I feel like I could handle another kid. (I know and so the baby hungry begins) haha but I am excited for the next one. Whenever that will be. I hope I will be privileged with more children when the time comes! :)

Letter to myself

You have done so many exciting things and have had so many adventures this far in life! You have fought battles with depression, learned how to make others days better and even learned how to be a better mom. None of it has been easy and it probably won't get any easier for a while at least, but you have learned some pretty important principles that should stick. You have learned that there is a difference between feeling the spirit and when that presence is gone. You have learned that men do thing differently and it's not worth nagging because it only leads to worse arguments. Just don't even go there In the first place!

You have learned that screaming at your child doesn't make them stop anything, it just makes you frustrated and them cry even harder. It's easier to try other methods before losing your cool all the time. You learned that it is possible to be a wife that cooks and cleans a little bit and a mom that pays and goes on walks with them. It's possible to be the wonder woman that you want to be.

Recently you have recognized that it's really not that much fun to be sad all the time. There is more to life than just moping. It has and will get hard at times, financially, emotionally, and physically. But just know that you can do anything you put your mind to. Your son loves you more than he can express right now. He looks up to you for example and guidance. Be the mom to him that he needs. Cherish every moment and make him feel like the most important human being out there.

Your husband is your number one. He stands by you in any decision even if it isn't the best decision. He would move mountains for you if you asked him to , so make sure that you are to him, everything that he is to you. He is goig to drive you crazy, he is going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But remember that you do that too. He is doing his best to be what you need so isn't it only fair that you treat him with respect? Communicate with him. Let him know how you feel about things without overdoing the complaining. Don't ever talk bad about something that is important to him. Support him. Love him!

Be grateful for what you have. You have been so blessed and its important not to compare yourself to others. That will get you no where. It doesn't matter how much money someone has. It doesn't matter that they have a house or way of doing things. Do what is best for your family.

You have been through a lot and with having a son who is almost a year, it can get a little overwhelming at times. Take time to slow down. Your family is the only thing that matters in the eternal perspective! You should never be too busy to help with something or to talk about a problem. Always give and never expect anything in return. Because if you think about it, none of it is yours anyways! :)

You have been raised by wonderful parents. You know what is right and now it's time to teach your kids that! You are such a good mom. You know what your son needs and care for him more than you show sometimes! Keep on being strong for him. Your future family will be so blessed for your example. Do what is right. Follow yor heart.

Love,
Alana

Live and learn

Well, it's been a little while. This past week I had Zero time to do anything I wanted, let alone sit and write all my feelings out. Ha...I've had a very humbling, stressful, emotional, hard week. I've learned a lot of lessons and even felt like I was going to burst at the seams a couple of times! This is how it goes...

This is the week that I thought I was pregnant...seven days late. you don't get more of a scare then that. Needless to say, I'm not, but for every single second of those days it was on my mind. I was trying to figure out if I was ready to be, if I wanted to be, and if I could handle it. My answer to all of those?? No. I'm not ready (as you'll read later), I don't (necessarily) want to be right now, and i found out i couldn't handle it. (not right now at least).

On top of the above stress, lets add on my favorite topic to write about. SCHOOL!! This is the week that I was reminded that school isn't easy. It's expensive and time consuming. For my computer class, we (Derek volunteered to help so I didn't rip my hair out, literally) discovered that I needed a Windows 7 computer, with Microsoft word 2010. FIrst of all, none of those two things are cheap, but we found out Miranda (Derek's sister) had both so I was able to get most of it done. Just two more assignments (out of 12, for just this class) left to do! 3 more weeks of this and i'll be done. After discussing through tears and frustration I have come to the conclusion that I can't handle it right now. I do want to finish my degree, but lets be real here, if I can't keep it together emotionally for my husband (lots of yelling from me this week, oops!), do what needs to be done around the house, and take the little bit of time for me that I need in order to keep myself healthy, then now isn't the time. I will finish. But I need to be what my family needs first.

The biggest stress for me this week. The thing that eats me up alive and makes me crazy was the ticket. Thats right. I got my first ticket this week. Nothing serious. Its just an added stress for me! haha Here's the story...I was hanging out with my friend. I left Spencer with her while I went to pick up Miranda from school. On the way to her house we were having a good conversation and I see a couple motorcycle cops sitting there so I slow down, only to look and see that even after slowing down I was still going far over the speed limit. Seeing that they are still standing there talking to each other I think i'm off the hook. Further down the road I look back to see him speeding after my with his lights. GREAT! So i pull over, the shaking starts as I try to act cool so Miranda can't see that I'm freaking out inside! He comes up and asks for license, registration, and insurance. So i dig through the stack of papers not sure what I'm really looking for. haha! Find the registration and have like 12 insurance cards that are ALL expired. so naturally i tell him all the info is correct that we pay every month and I just haven't put the new one in the truck yet. He goes to check the other info and during that time, i'm sitting there praying that I only get a warning since its the first time i've ever been pulled over! I wasn't going felony speed. so I don't think Its going to be that bad....A little while later he comes back and makes me sign the thing. Now I know that I am toast. He goes on to explain the ticket and that he has added on a fine for not having insurance but that if I take proof down to the court that I will get that waved. So I burst into tears. Haha no thats not accurate. I have passed over into hysterics. Sobbing. Can't breathe. The whole 9 yards. There goes looking good in front of my SIL! Ha then i text derek and tell him and so he calls. Thanks! You never call to talk to a woman that just got her first ticket. By now you can just assume that its not a pretty picture. You might as well have thought that my family member had died. Over dramatic?? maybe just a little. Haha so now I have to pay for being stupid and add another class to my busy schedule! Ha great story. The best part?? Everytime I thought about that ticket for the rest of the day I cried. Hahaha! Seriously it was hilarious...(now looking back on it).

SO that was the main event of this week. I lost my mind, took it out on everyone. Just overall was a walking train wreck...And then something happened... General Conference.

I was able to sit and watch. To feel guilty and have the desire to change. I got to cry. To laugh. and feel more loved from my father in heaven then ever before. I learned things I had forgotten. All the trials that I was experiencing seemed manageable. All of the circumstances from the past week were fading from my brain. Nothing mattered to me, except that I knew I needed to be better. I had thoughts flooding through my brain. I had talks that spoke to me and helped me to know that its okay. That its going to be hard in this life. That I'm not going to be perfect and that things are going to go wrong. But that if I endure it well and learn what I need to learn, then think of how much stronger I will be by the time it's all through! My world was changed by a few of those talks.

So even though this week was so hard, I don't think that conference would have had the same spirit and affect that it did, without going through all those things first. So once again. I'm left here standing, being grateful for my trials. Knowing that its okay to have bad days. It's okay to not be the best at everything. But if I do my best and give it all I got, then Christ will make up the difference.